My Life In Words

Toddlerspeak

2012-01-19T13:34:00.000-08:00

The evolution of a child's language is endlessly entertaining. Caleb has always been adept at enunciating and as of late, his pronunciation of words has improved drastically. I have to admit, while it's a good sign that his language is progressing, I miss the cute funny way he used to say some things, so I'm using this outlet as a means to immortalize his own words:

"Mom-ick": Monkey
"Bop-ick": Bucket
"Peekeen": Penguin
"Yah-yick": Lucky
"Bada"/"ba-dee-ah"/"ba-da-nana": Banana
"Aah-gah-deer": Alligator
"Yaya": Water
"Yayawn": Lion
"Gaff": Giraffe
"Mawk": Milk
"Mice": Rice
"Seat-baw": Football
"Moomie": Movie
"Keens": Crayons
"Toke": Coat
"Kissee": Music
"Pee-dee-ah": Piano
"Munch": Lunch
"Mench": Wrench
"Pilers": Pliers
"York": Fork
"Yog": Frog
"Ba-dee-dock": Firetruck
"Beekee": Blanket
"Mah-mow-mer": Lawnmower
"Gah-lala": Granola
"Ada"/"Hout": Help
"Tah": Tongs
"Poo-pays": Toothpaste
"Roar-wish": Goldfish

Phrases...
"I yike it ____": I like it [object]
"Peepee poppy": Pee pee in the potty
"More-more": More (he's always said it twice)
"Yown-in-yown": Round and round
"Ah-dew": I love you

And in earlier months...
"Dada": Bunny
"Dada": Gramma
"Dada": Banana
"Dada": Mama
"Dada": Pretty much anything

Thanks for the Reminder, Kid

2012-01-18T15:39:00.000-08:00

Yesterday Caleb was taking my slippers off my feet and saying, "Oh no!" then putting them back on. It had been a couple days since I shaved my legs, so they were a little bit prickly. He moved from playing with my feet to playing with my bare shin and brushed his hand against my leg. Immediately he stopped, examined his hand, then stared at me with an accusatory look on his face. I stifled a giggle and said, "What's wrong?" He looked back at my leg and pinched at it with his thumb and forefinger, presumably trying to pick off whatever it was he felt.

I never let Jonathan touch my leg if it isn't smooth (my complex, not his). I never imagined my 21 MONTH OLD SON would be offended by it. Thank you, child, for reminding me that winter is no excuse for stubble.

I shaved my legs this morning.

Loving Him Into Obedience

2012-01-10T13:29:00.000-08:00

My 21 month old toddler does absolutely EVERYTHING I ask him to.

....Are you laughing as hard as I am right now?

For the most part, Caleb is a very well behaved, respectful child. But thanks to some nitwit at the beginning of time who just HAD to eat a piece of fruit from the ONE tree he wasn't supposed to, he was born with a sense of independence that sometimes leads him to disobedience. An occurance that comes more and more frequently as he gets older.

Some days I have the patience to redirect him, discipline him when necessary, and keep my cool as he pushes my buttons over and over. Other days it's all I can do to keep from ripping my hair out and screaming, "For the love of all that is holy, will you JUST LISTEN?!?" It's especially maddening when he repeats "Don't touch!" while simultaneously touching the very thing he's not supposed to.

It dawned on me the other day that our current method of discipling and training him is not working. We most often use the threat - and follow up - of discipline as a means to get him to obey. (Disciplining him at this point consists of 3 warnings and then 1 minute in time out if he continues to disobey.) But how often do children willingly respond in obedience under threat of punishment? They will drag their feet and resist as much as they can, and then if/when they finally do as they're told, it's clearly done with resentment. Sometimes they even laugh in the face of discipline. My sister used to smile and act like it was no big deal when she was spanked. My word, that must have driven my parents absolutely mad! (They gave up for good when her clenched back end split that wooden spoon right in half. Who knew a pre-adolescent could have such glutes of steel???)

I've forgotten that Caleb is my baby. His independence, his rapidly growing vocabulary and physique, his clever mind make me forget that he is still so very young and innocent, no matter how naughty he might behave. When he was an infant I loved him into eating, loved him into sleeping, loved him into calming down for a diaper change. Now that he's older and is capable of making some of his own decisions, shouldn't I be loving him into obedience? I don't want him to obey me because my voice is stern or my body language shows frustration or he doesn't want to have to take a time out. I want him to obey his parents because he loves us and we love him, and that love drives him to make the right decision.

How often is our role as parents compared to God's role as the Father? The idea isn't to obey Him because if we don't He'll punish us. The goal is to have such a close relationship with Him that we choose to obey because His love for us inspires us to do so. So then, if I pour out my love over Caleb when I'm parenting and teaching him, wouldn't he respond to me the same way I respond to my heavenly Father?

I've been convicted of too little patience and too much frustration when it comes to parenting Caleb. In the past 2 days I've chosen to love him into obeying, and the results are outstanding. Quicker/better responses, fewer tears, and more joy throughout the day. That's not to say we don't still have tantrums, tears and consequences. I don't think it's possible to have a day that doesn't include a few fits and time outs, without sacrificing all of the electronic equipment in the house (his typical no-no of choice). But our time together is sweeter. And, of course, my hair and vocal chords remain intact.

Ephesians 6:4 - "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord."

Technobaby

2011-11-30T14:19:00.001-08:00

Lately I've been very aware of how frequently I have the TV on in the background, so I'm making a conscious effort to do so less often. I've also given in too much to the distractions of my ipod and the computer. I didn't expose Caleb to much music in his younger months and I've been turning the TV off in favor of listening to music instead. We've discovered in the past month or two that he really, really loves music and constantly asks for "more more kissee" (his way of saying music).

Yesterday, as Caleb and I sat together on the sofa while he ate his snack, it became quite evident to me that the TV has spent far too much time turned on, and Caleb has noticed it. He munched on his apple slices, staring thoughtfully at the dark inanimate screen, and began the following conversation:

"More more moomie?" (movie)
"No, no movie."
"More more seatball?" (football)
"No, no football."
.....
"More more Bah?"
"No, no Bella."
"More more birds?"
"No, no birds."

[Note: Bella and birds are both apps on my ipod that he particularly enjoys. Bella is an interactive children's video and birds is Angry Birds.]

Shortly after, he predictably asked for "kissee" so I obliged. Our xbox connects wirelessly to our computer so we turn that on to access our music library and play it through the stereo downstairs. Caleb's connection to electronic visuals is so strong that he thinks music comes through the picture he sees on the TV, or the itunes window on the computer monitor. When we turn the TV off (sound goes through the receiver instead) or minimize the itunes window, he asks for music again because he thinks it goes away along with the picture. We're working on teaching him that music is the sound he hears, and it's still there even when the picture goes away.

I've decided to challenge myself to limit the use of electronics throughout the day. It's easy to use Caleb as an excuse to have the TV on or play games on my ipod, because he likes those things. But what he likes and what is best for him are not always one and the same.

Sewing Straight Lines

2011-11-09T11:07:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago I was making burp cloths for a friend. I often have trouble sewing perfectly straight lines. Even with that presser foot firmly on the fabric to keep it going straight, it somehow manages to stray here and there. In the midst of my frustration, I had a spiritual epiphany.

We are a human sewing project.

We struggle against the mechanism that's in place to guide us (the Holy Spirit). Sometimes we calmly and quietly stay in line as we're stitched together and made complete. Other times we fight the plan of what we're designed to be. Even with pins in place to prepare us, we try to go our own way.

There are two ways to look at this. The first is that we are flawed, imperfect, perhaps even outright ugly. We succumb to the pull of forces that would have us rebel against our purpose. Even if cosmetically we seem right, our internal strength and integrity might be questionable.

The way I prefer to see it is that these flaws are proof that we are handcrafted. We might make it difficult for our Creator to shape us - as demonstrated by our broken threads and jagged lines - but in the end, we are lovingly put together by a dedicated, unyielding Maker who sees past these flaws; He sees the final product. He loves us, He's proud of us, and He puts us to use despite our imperfections. Or, perhaps, because of them.

I don't want to be a difficult fabric to work with. I want to do exactly what my Creator asks of me. This won't always be the case because, like the fabric we use ourselves, sometimes we simply have a mind of our own. But that doesn't mean I can't strive to be cooperative and grateful to be worked on by the hands of such a skilled Craftsman.

Simple tomato bisque

2011-10-14T11:13:00.001-07:00

I've been trying out new things in the kitchen lately. I knew there was a culinary enthusiast in me and in the past few months she's really begun to show herself. Yesterday I was tired so I planned an easy dinner of grilled cheese and tomato soup. But basic tomato soup sounded boring and plain, so I decided to spice it up.

I've never made a tomato bisque before, but from what I understand it has a tomato and cream base, so I began there. I bought some cheap generic condensed tomato soup and instead of adding a can of water, I added a can of half & half. In hindsight that was too much cream, so next time I think I'd do 3/4 can of half & half and 1/4 can of water.

I went out to our garden and picked some tomatoes, peeled, seeded and diced them, and added them to the soup. Then I chopped some fresh basil (~2tbsp) and oregano (~1tbsp) and stirred that in. My plan was to include some roasted red pepper (the jarred variety, not the best but it was all we had and it does the job) but I realized we were out. However, roasting red peppers is very easy, so next time I would do that and have fresh peppers in the bisque. Finally, I added about a tbsp of paprika, kosher salt and fresh ground black pepper to taste, and let it simmer for about 10 minutes. The end result? SO GOOD. Normally the grilled cheese is the star of this meal, but this time the bisque stood out by far.

This is one that I will definitely be repeating, especially with the cold weather arriving. I love making soups, stews and bisques. Your favorite recipes for those are very much welcome here.

A New Toy & A Family Vacation

2011-08-18T10:33:00.000-07:00

We've been at Eagle Crest with Jonathan's family since Sunday. This week has been full of sunshine, swimming, relaxation, and laughter. This is the first time Caleb and his two cousins have spent an extended period of time together. Now that he's walking, he can run around and keep up with Emma and Kole. It's so much fun to watch them play and interact with one another.

Friday and Saturday were spent with my family. I spent Saturday morning at a friend's baby shower and that evening we went to my sister's house for a barbecue in celebration of my brother-in-law's birthday. I love the Seattle area and we are quite settled in with our life up there, but I forget how good it feels to be in the company of the entire family.

Saturday afternoon I had some errands to run. One of them was stopping by a camera shop to gather more information about different DSLR models. I'd been waffling between two of them, one a Nikon and one a Canon. Before we left home I had high hopes of making a decision so I could purchase it in Oregon and save a bundle on tax. With all the packing and preparations for our trip, that didn't happen. I surprised myself though and ended up making my decision right then and there in the store, once I actually held the cameras in my hand and played with the user interfaces. I returned to my parents' house with a Nikon D3100 feeling like a kid on Christmas Eve.

All this week I've been getting to know my new toy, experimenting with the settings I've been able to figure out thus far. (Let it be known that I have a looooong way to go before I learn it all. As soon as we get home I'm researching photography classes.) Below are some of my favorite snapshots:

Guilty Conscience

2011-06-26T20:21:00.001-07:00

I love animals. I love them all, but none more than my gorgeous, fluffy orange kitty, Tigerlily.

Today I'm feeling like I failed her. Well, let's be honest. I'm feeling like I killed her.

She's been our cat since she was 6 weeks old. We adopted her 6 years ago this month. Jonathan was less than thrilled with me when I brought her home, and I understand why. We agreed to get a cat, but he didn't agree to getting one with a respiratory infection, an eye infection and a horrid case of the fleas. The nurturing side of me couldn't help myself when I went to see her; I wanted to rescue her and give her a loving home, plus she was so darn cute and exactly what I'd spent years looking for: a long hair female orange tabby.

I took her to the vet and in a month or so she was perfectly healthy and spunky, and the cutest kitten I'd ever laid eyes on. Her personality soon came out; the spunk could turn into ferocity sometimes. She was very unpredictable and had a feral streak in her. Not most people's ideal house cat, but she was my pretty girl and I loved her.

A year or so after we moved to Seattle, she began having what's known as "inappropriate elimination" trouble. In layman's terms, she was peeing places other than her litterbox. The main target was the guest bed, which was typically her territory, and I think she didn't like when people came to stay with us and kicked her out of her favorite lounging spot. Then she began peeing on the carpet right outside the guest bathroom. I tried all kinds of methods of getting her to stop; pheromone spray, a variety of carpet cleaners, squirting her with the water bottle, cleaning her litterbox every time she used it, even sprinkling pepper in the carpet. Nothing worked.

When we moved to our first house I had an unrealistic hope that we could move away from her problems and she wouldn't do it anymore. At first I was right! For several months there were zero problems. She used her litterbox exactly as she did before the issue started. Gradually, Jonathan and I began to notice a slight odor coming from the living room. We both got down on our hands and knees and sniffed every inch of the carpet, but neither of us could find a fresh spot. The previous homeowners had a cat and I suspected that it had urinated in the living room, but they deep cleaned the carpet and the smell came out. For a while anyway, until it began seeping up through the carpet again. Not long after, we discovered a fresh marking; Tigerlily was at it again.

For the past year+, it's gotten worse and worse. Once again, I tried everything I could. I had great results at first using Oxyclean and covering the spots with foil to keep her from going back to the marked areas, but then she just went on peeing on different spots. It got so bad that I couldn't keep up with it anymore. By that point the carpet was destroyed, the pad was certainly destroyed, and we're 99.9% certain that all of the subflooring is destroyed as well. Our living room has been unusable for a very long time (thankfully we have the family room downstairs) and the smell rears it's nose-wrinkling head sometimes so bad that even opening windows doesn't seem to help. She was also sometimes defecating on the carpet. We love to entertain people in our home and all but stopped because we were ashamed of that room and never knew if the house would smell or not. We still haven't been able to do anything with that room because the flooring has to be changed before we can put it together. I hated the situation, but she was my girl and I loved her too much to give her up. I held out hope that everything could be fixed. Then a new problem arose.

Since Caleb was born, she seemed to do pretty well. She would curious about him, generally keeping her distance but still curious. He looooved her though. She started to warm up a little, coming up to check him out and even letting him pat her a little. She gradually became aggressive though, hissing and swiping at him (thankfully she's declawed in front). Then one day, he crawled across the hall from our room into his, and shortly after I heard a shriek followed by a loud wail. I found Tigerlily sauntering out of his room and Caleb clutching his arm, sobbing. Pulling up his sleeve, I found that she bit him, hard enough to draw blood even through his long sleeve shirt. I felt horrible for Caleb and so betrayed by her. How could she hurt my baby?? Jonathan had long wanted to get rid of her but he knew I was very attached to her and felt I would resent him if he gave me an ultimatum, so he didn't. After this incident, I ran out of excuses for keeping her. For the sake of my son's safety (and my marriage, my husband was running out of patience), the time had finally come to find her a new home; namely, one with no children.

This decision was a very painful one to make. The process of finding her a new home was slow. I had to come to terms with the fact that she would be leaving our home before I could actually begin the search. I admit I dragged my feet a little and tried to postpone the inevitable. I called all the no-kill shelters and posted on all the websites with listings for animals for adoption. All of the shelters either weren't accepting pets, or wouldn't accept my pet because her behavioral problems made her unadoptable. I was too scared to call any of the shelters that practice euthanasia. I couldn't stand the possibility of her being put down. (Edited to add: During this time she bit Caleb again, which reaffirmed the decision that she needed a new home.)

After weeks of searching, Jonathan finally came to the end of his rope. I had two more weeks to find her a home before we took her to the Everett Animal Shelter, which was my absolute last resort. (I want to make it clear that I have no hard feelings or resentment toward him for this. He gave me way more time than I ever would have given him if our roles were reversed. He pointed out during one argument about her that I never would have put up something for as long as he put up with her, and he was right.) I tried my best during that time but I couldn't find a home for her. So today, we packed up her kitty litter and food, I held her in the car, and we drove to the shelter.

When we walked in I felt stoic and numb. She was quiet and fairly calm in her carrier. I had Jonathan do the talking because I couldn't bear to say it. When we told her why we were surrendering her, she said, "So, you're here for a euthanasia?" .......I stared at her in shock. She said that Tigerlily's behavioral problems make her unadoptable for them, so that's all they can do with her. She was so matter of fact about it that her words and attitude felt cold, even though they weren't really. I turned and stared at Jonathan. He said, "We don't have any other options." My mind was reeling. I knew he was right, but I couldn't believe that the only choice we had left was to put her down. She wasn't sick, she didn't maim anyone (yet), she wasn't a wild homeless animal. She was MY PET. We couldn't take her back home, though, and there was nowhere else to go. In my head I was protesting, but I agreed to it. I couldn't hold back the tears anymore and struggled to answer the woman's questions with a shaky voice, all the while staring at Tigerlily and opening the carrier to pet her long, soft fur. The woman shocked me again when she asked if we wanted to come back for her ashes. I asked her if we could take her back home. She said sure, but seemed surprised that I would ask. A couple other women came out to take Tigerlily back. I asked if we could go back with her and they said no, only vets do that. I stroked her fur for the last time while she was alive, closed the cage, and told them to go ahead and take her. Turning around and walking away, I finally fell apart.

It took a while for them to come back out. Another couple came in with a cat to surrender, who also was was urinating on their floors. From what I could gather they went ahead with euthanasia as well. I barely overheard the same woman tell them in a low voice that they were in the process of a euthanasia with another cat and saw her gesture toward us out of the corner of my eye. I tried hard not to judge them for not being more upset about putting down their cat. Something like this should be devastating, and they didn't seem devastated enough to me.

Finally someone came out and handed Tigerlily's crate back to me. I couldn't believe how heavy it felt. She was covered in a towel. The tears slipped out again as we walked back to the car. When we got there, I took the top of the carrier off and pulled back the towel to see her. They arranged her in there so it looked like she was sleeping. Her eyes wouldn't stay closed, though, and that bothered me. I held her on my lap as we drove home, petting her as if she were alive, wishing that this day could not be happening.

We got home and Jonathan put Caleb down for a nap while I went out side and sat on the deck, holding Tigerlily in the towel on my lap, still petting her and cuddling her. Jonathan dug a hole to bury her in the corner of the yard with some bushes. When he was done, I carried her over, said goodbye, and handed her to Jonathan to put her in and cover her back up while I went inside. I couldn't stand to watch. My stomach turned as I dragged myself upstairs and into bed to grieve in private. I told Jonathan yesterday that I would need some alone time after we dropped her off. That was assuming that we were dropping her off alive, not bringing her home dead. I needed the alone time even more now.

It's been a little over 4 hours since we got home. I don't feel better at all. If anything, I feel worse. It seems so wrong, to euthanize a pet for behavioral problems. I know that man has dominion over all the animals of the earth, but I don't think animals are so worthless that inappropriate behavior equals a death sentence. I'm grappling with the guilt of allowing someone to put down my cat; even worse, having to pay them to do it. I feel as though I murdered her myself. I wish I could fast-forward a few weeks, or a few months even, to when I won't feel so bad. I keep glancing out the window into the corner of the yard where she's buried, trying to wrap my head around the fact that she won't come when I call her anymore, I won't see her lounging in the sun by the back door anymore, she won't be eating the food or drinking the water that's sitting out, or using the litterbox that's still set up. The whole process felt so rushed, like I had barely enough time to actually think about what that woman was telling me or consider the ramifications of our decision. I wasn't ready to say goodbye, not like that. I didn't really even say goodbye before they took her. I wish I'd had some time to sit and hold her again, to pet her and talk to her and cuddle her alive.

I know the sadness will eventually get better. I can only hope that the guilt does too. I'm having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that as an animal lover, I euthanized my perfectly healthy cat. Lilies are my favorite flowers, and there's a beautiful orange species called a Tiger Lily. My mission this week is to buy one and plant it on the spot that she's buried.

Missing you lots already, pretty girl.

What Makes A Good Day

2011-06-06T15:01:00.000-07:00

What makes a good day for me?

It could be having the entire house clean at once. It could be meeting a friend for a play date. It could be indulging in Starbucks instead of making coffee at home. It could be discovering that something I've wanted for a long time is finally on sale. It could be these things, but it isn't.

It's making the most of my time with Caleb.

I have found that though motherhood began as completely selfless, selfishness has slowly and subtly crept back in. At this time last year, I didn't think twice about forgoing my own comforts and wishes in exchange for sitting on the floor with Caleb or reading parenting and childcare books. Now I have to make a conscious effort to put away my personal to-do lists and wishlists in exchange for Caleb's wishlists. It's far too easy to make my daily agenda about myself... until I look into those bright, sparkly blue eyes and think about how happy it would make Caleb to make my agenda all about him.

Parenting has taught me about denying myself in a way that nothing else has before. Marriage demands that we compromise and give of ourselves, but our spouses are capable of being self-sufficient, and our children are not. No one will ever depend on me the way my child(ren) will. Perhaps God gives us children not only to create new generations, but to better learn the selfless part of being Christlike.

At the end of the day, I am most satisfied when I have ignored my e-mails and let the kitchen slide a little and instead played games with Caleb, read books with him, explored the backyard with him and snuggled him while he had a snack. I prefer to have my home and life in order, but I'll take a little chaos in exchange for quality time with my boy.

(I mean really, who could resist this?)

Say What?

2011-05-27T16:01:00.001-07:00

Caleb was chattering on the other day, saying "na na!" over and over. I tried to get him to say "mama" instead. This is how the conversation went:

Me: Caleb, say 'mama!'
Caleb: Na na!
Me: No, mmma-mmma!
Caleb: Na na!
Me: Mama!
Caleb: Na na!
Me: Mama!
Caleb: Dada!

Back To It

2011-05-24T17:04:00.001-07:00

I haven't posted in over two months. There is quite a bit I've missed out on documenting and I hope to catch up soon. Caleb sure is getting big! He started walking and gets better at it every day. He still falls down and uses crawling as his primary means of transportation but it won't be long before walking is the new crawling.

As of 12 months, Caleb was 23lb 10oz and 31". He's about 25lbs now and I'm guessing a good 32.5-33". His pants are fitting better in length and looser in the waistband, which means he's lengthening and thinning out. He's still solid though!

These are some of my favorite snapshots from the last couple months:

Blessing in iDisguise

2011-03-10T15:38:00.000-08:00

My ipod is not functioning.

Last May, I compiled some gift money I had saved up and bought an iPod Touch. (When you register your ipod, you have to give it a name. I call mine JessiPod. Clever, no?) I wanted one for a long time but always hesistated when it came to the actual purchase. $279 is a lot of money and there are plenty of other things I could do with that. Turns out it was more than worth the money. My ipod and I, I and my ipod... we share a close bond. Turns out, it's gotten a little too close. I've become far too attached to my little device.

My ipod has become an idol in my life. I carry it with me throughout the house. I waste far too much time browsing the internet and playing games. Time that could be spent on keeping up the house, reading, my BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) lesson, etc. I do all of these things, but I think that several aspects of my life would improve if I devoted myself more fully to them. Instead of getting behind and then scrambling to get the entire house clean at once, I could do constant light maintenance, have a fully clean house every day and be much happier. Instead of trying to cram almost my entire BSF lesson on Wednesday night (class is Thursday morning), I could do a little bit every day - as it's designed to work - and spend Wednesday night with my husband. Not to mention set aside time to give my full attention to God and his Word daily.

When I couldn't get my ipod to reboot this morning, I felt cheated by the Apple gods. What would I do without my digital sidekick??? The more I've thought about it, the more thankful I've become to be forced to spend time away from it. I had planned on going to the Apple store tomorrow afternoon to get it fixed. Maybe I'll wait just a little bit longer. I'm quite good at procrastinating anyway.

New Developments

2011-02-10T12:50:00.000-08:00

In less than a week, my baby has started crawling, waving and going from tummy to sitting up (as of today). .....WHOA. Holy developing skills!

His army crawl is really funny. He uses his arms and left leg and drags his right leg behind him. It's awkward but effective in getting him to where he wants to go.

His wave is exhuberant and exaggerated. He has accidentally hit himself in the face while waving on more than one occasion.

His tummy-to-sitting is very controlled. For a long time he rolled onto his side, grabbed his outer leg and tried to pull himself to sitting but that never panned out. Today he got up on all fours, used his arms to push back to his knees and settled onto his bum, sitting upright.

What a big boy we have!

Uh-huh

2011-02-02T16:24:00.000-08:00

Yesterday morning Caleb began saying "uh-huh." But not just any "uh-huh," a very enthusiastic, emphasis-on-the-second-syllable, drawn out "uh-huuuuuuh!" Today it's shifted to an "uuuuuh-huh," and he also added "mm-hm." Our clever boy has assigned these two words to a myriad of meanings. From what I can decipher, this includes:

*More food please
*More food faster please
*No more food please
*I like that
*I don't like that
*Look at that
*Check out what I can do with this toy
*Let's change this diaper faster so I can get up
*Come play with me
*I'm busy
*I feel like talking for no apparent reason

My baby is brilliant.

Bookworm

2011-01-26T10:25:00.000-08:00

Our little goat is no longer permitted to read books by himself.

Here's why:

9 Months

2011-01-25T13:18:00.001-08:00

(He's really almost 10 months - just 3 days away - but here's what's been happening in month #9.)

Weight: 23lbs 4oz
Height: 29.5"
(As of 1/10)

Caleb has exploded with lots of new tricks and skills. We can't believe how many new things he's picked up!

Quirks:
*His "cheesy" face; a squinty-eyed, scrunchy-nosed, teeth-baring, wide-mouthed smile that seems to be designed for entertainment purposes (as pictured above)
*Fake laughs, fake cries and fake coughs
*Inventing games (such as peekaboo from behind the bumper, and stop-me-from-eating-my-feet)

Skills:
*He jabbers all the time but doesn't often say actual words (he still only says "Dada" and "Mama") but he understands a lot of them, especially "kitty!"
*Picking up and feeding himself pieces of food
*Drinking water from his straw cup
*Banging objects together
*Pulling himself from sitting to standing
*Resuming 12 straight hours of sleep at night and solid naps of about 1.5 hours

Other:
*He is cutting his 8th tooth, and I think there are a couple more just under the surface (he doesn't let me look very much)
*When he gets dressed, as soon as his shirt is over his head I hold out the arm holes and he puts his right arm in the sleeve, then his left arm - all on his own!
*He only uses his left hand to put food in his mouth. If he tries to with his right, he uses his left to guide it in. Perhaps (despite Daddy's best efforts) he'll take after Mama and be a lefty after all?

He's able to go longer stretches of wakefulness during the day, which has improved his naps. He also eats three meals a day instead of two (plus snacking on some puffs). This is his current schedule:
8am - Wake, nurse, play
9am - Breakfast
10:30am - Bath (every few days or his skin gets too dry)
11am - Nap
12/12:30pm - Wake, nurse, play
1pm - Lunch
2:30/3pm - Nap
4/4:30pm - Wake, nurse, play
6:30pm - Dinner
7:30pm - Start getting ready for bed
7:45pm - Nurse or bottle
8pm - Bedtime

Breakfast: A parfait of fruit, cereal and yogurt or cottage cheese, and sometimes also toast or pancakes.
Lunch: Could be cheese cubes, cheese toast, chunks or purees of fruit or veggies, yogurt, lunchmeat, etc.; usually at least two different foods/courses.
Dinner: Similar menu as lunch. When we go out, I do pack food for him but also try to order something with ingredients that he can eat too. When we're at home I set aside plain or lightly seasoned pieces of whatever I'm cooking.

The majority of his solid food is now pieces that he can pick up but we still feed him some purees. His favorite table food is cubes of cheddar cheese, his favorite puree is butternut squash and his favorite fruit is a tie between bananas and peaches. Although he eats plenty of solid food, his main source of nutrition is still breastmilk. We plan to go at least a year of breastfeeding and then we'll play it by ear after that.

During the day, we play on the floor (he had a lot of toys before, but now he has TONS thanks to Christmas and family members!), read books, run errands, go on walks, go to the park, he plays in his jumperoo, and sometimes we just tickle and wrestle. :) We play together a lot, but he also gets plenty of independent playtime on the floor or in his pack and play or jumperoo while Mama gets stuff done around the house or takes a time out to relax for a little bit.

There's lots more that I'm not remembering. It seems like he learns something new every day. I cannot believe it's already time to start planning his first birthday!

Evolution Of Bathtime

2011-01-24T10:34:00.001-08:00

Enjoying The Break

2011-01-22T15:00:00.001-08:00

We had a beautiful break from the clouds and rain this afternoon, so after lunch we walked down to the lake to let Caleb swing and play at the park.

Starting out our walk

Caleb thought it was funny to try and grab Daddy's hat

We are so thankful to live by the lake!

Daddy gives Caleb a push

Wheeeeee!

Caleb steers the fire engine

Then he and Daddy go down the slide together

We had pancakes for breakfast and cheese toast for lunch (lots of big boy food!). Tonight, Daddy's making tandoori chicken for dinner. What a great Saturday!

Caleb's Soundtrack

2011-01-17T15:14:00.001-08:00

If you know me at all, you know that music is an integral part of my life. I have a constant soundtrack running in my head for whatever I'm doing at the moment. In fact, one of the first things I did with itunes was create soundtracks for different moods; mellow, driving, workout, etc. I make soundtracks for friends at different stages of life as well, like the birth of a baby, or the loss of a baby. I've been working on composing an instrumental lullaby for Caleb since before he was born. In the meantime, his special song is "Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)" by the Dixie Chicks. I listened to it and sang it all the time while pregnant with him, once we found out we'd be having a boy. To this day, he calms immediately and smiles for me when I sing it to him. Sometimes all it takes is to hum the first line.

This is his soundtrack:
"Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)" - Dixie Chicks
"Lullabye (Goodnight, My Angel)" - Billy Joel
"You Are So Beautiful" - Joe Cocker
"Love Never Fails" - Brandon Heath
"Lullaby" - Dixie Chicks
"Forever Young" - Rod Stewart
Faith, Hope & Lullabies: Songs of Worship

Call me an overachiever, but if we ever have a little girl, my soundtrack for her is ready. :)

Naptime

2010-12-09T21:28:00.000-08:00

Caleb and I took a nap together today. He's had a rough go with naps this week. Maybe because of teething, maybe because of the new skills he's learning, maybe it's just a phase he's going through. Either way, it's been a long week and we were both tired and getting grumpy when naptime came this afternoon.

I darkened the room and we settled into bed. He began to cry, so I softly sang a lullaby he's familiar with that I've been singing and listening to since I found out we were having a boy ("Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)" - The Dixie Chicks). He calmed right down, smiled, and settled in. When I finished, he shifted around until he was comfortable, laid his head down and drifted off. A few minutes later he picked his head back up, pushed himself over so he was snuggled right against me, grabbed my thumb and went back to sleep. It was one of those moments that stops me in my tracks. Even when I think I can't be any more enamored with him, he does something like that, and my heart holds him just a little bit tighter.

Thank goodness we had that time together this afternoon; it offset the madness that was bedtime tonight. That's just how it goes, isn't it?

Reflecting

2010-12-03T16:40:00.000-08:00

December 2, 2009

It's Christmastime again, so I've again been listening to "Winter Snow" by Audrey Assad (with Chris Tomlin) a lot. I was just making peas and broccoli for Caleb when it came on. I flashed back to this time last year. I was about 25-ish weeks pregnant, feeling our baby boy jump and flip and kick all the livelong day, listening to the song and thinking about the paradigm shift that pregnancy brought for the season. One year ago I was expectantly hopeful - as the advent hope - of what the following year would bring, and what life would be like for Christmas 2010. I'm listening to the lyrics with the same enlightenment as last year and then some.

You came like a winter snow, quiet and soft and slow

Caleb was born into a focused, calm but determined, dimly lit room (with the exception of my doctor's spotlight). He came out quietly and took his time finding his voice. Even when he did, it was a soft cry and didn't last long before he settled down. And goodness knows it was slow; it took four hours of pushing before he finally joined us.

Falling from the sky in the night to the earth below

It was the middle of the night when he came; 3:27am to be exact. He had ten long fingers and ten long toes, his daddy's eyes and feet, my mouth and chin, and to this day we're not sure whose nose he has. He was a perfect little angel, God's beautiful little boy gifted to us to care after him on this earth.

As I sit here, listening to the song on repeat and hearing "dada" whispered softly on the baby monitor, I feel a renewed kinship with Mary and compassion for God who watched his Son transition from heavenly royalty to helplessness in flesh.

Growing, Growing, Growing

2010-11-11T14:22:00.001-08:00

We're only about halfway through month 7 and some of my predictions are already coming true! In the last couple weeks, Caleb:

*Cut his first tooth, and the second is right behind
*Began babbling
*Said his first word ("mama"!!!)
*Started giving "hugs"
*Improved his standing (though it still doesn't last long)
*Learned how to tip his toy box over
*Reached the max height limit for his infant car seat
*Increased his appetite from one cube of baby food to two for each meal

Where did my little baby go???

A few days ago we got a nice jumperoo for a great deal on craigslist. Caleb loves it and is slowly discovering the joy of jumping. Those chubby little legs are ALWAYS kicking. Once he gets more stable on them he'll be a human pogo stick in his jumperoo! We're also picking up an Ergo carrier this week. Sometimes Momma and Daddy need toys, too!

My Greatest Fear

2010-11-05T14:22:00.001-07:00

I'm afraid that God will take my husband and son away from me.

There. I said it.

I'm afraid that I love my husband and son more than I love God. I'm afraid that He will take them away from me to teach me a lesson. It's paralyzing.

I recognize that this is not the right perspective to have. God is not a giant bully man with a big stick, waiting around for us to do something that allows Him to beat us with it. He is loving and patient and compassionate and everything else in 1 Corinthians 13. His method of teaching us to love Him more isn't always to take away everything else that we love so that we're forced to love Him first. But maybe sometimes it is. And I'm afraid I will be one of those times.

I wrote last year about having to love Jesus more than I love my son, and how I was struggling with that even before his birth. Now that he's here the struggle has worsened and I find myself wondering whether it's even possible at all. Then I remember Job, and how God took away all of his children (as well as everything else he had) and he praised God anyway. Let's be clear on something: I am no Job. I am failing at loving Him more.

One of my closest friends lost her baby this spring. A full-term baby with no complications during pregnancy or birth. She was a perfect, beautiful baby girl. Except for the fact that she couldn't live and no one knows why. I don't know why my baby lived and hers died. She and her husband are not less loving than we are. They are not worse people. They didn't do anything wrong, didn't make some huge mistake, nothing to warrant their baby dying, but she did. The world I lived in before that was not free of miscarriage or stillbirth or neonatal death. I have other friends who have lost babies to miscarriage, and those losses were equally as tragic. But after this little sweetheart left the earth, I felt it even more deeply than I did the others and my world turned into one where babies die after perfect live births for no apparent reason, which somehow translated into a more realistic view of darkness and unimaginable heartache in a very personal way. Maybe it's because her baby was born just as alive as mine was. I know this mother reads my blog, so let me say to you: God is not punishing you by taking away your baby. And you are not punishing me by allowing me to be part of your grief.

I'm going to be very hypocritical and say that despite what I just wrote to my friend, I am afraid that He will punish me and take my baby away, and maybe my husband too. What does this say about me? Well, perhaps it says that I hold them too tightly. Perhaps I don't trust God enough to give them over to Him and trust Him for protection over them. Perhaps I'm just a big control freak (this is true). Whatever it says, I better take a knee and talk to God about a remedy because this is no way to live or love. I prayed it last October, and I'll pray it again: "God, thank You for giving me these incredible blessings to love, but help me to love You more." And I will continue trying my hardest to mean it.

Cutest Little Sailor

2010-11-04T10:57:00.001-07:00

My Papa Willie never got to meet his great grandson. He loved bodies of water and houseboats, and everything that had to do with bodies of water and houseboats. My Aunt Sandy sent this as a gift for Caleb when he was born. This is a tribute to his Great Grandpa Miller. Is this not the cutest little sailor you've ever seen??

We're All The Same

2010-11-03T22:01:00.001-07:00

I am not a crunchy mom, nor am I completely silky. I consider myself to be somewhat of a hybrid. I use disposable diapers. I've never used formula. I don't co-sleep. I make all of Caleb's baby food. I opted for an epidural when I gave birth to him. We did modified CIO. I love babywearing. I also enjoy pushing him in the stroller or having him ride in the shopping cart (as does he). I breastfeed Caleb throughout the day, but at night he always gets a bottle. We have made these choices because they are the best for our family.

There is a very unfortunate divide between the crunchy and the silky, and in some cases, the categories argue amongst themselves. We're all mommas here. We're all making the best decisions for our children and our families as we see fit. Each and every parent reserves the right to make the best decision that applies to their specific circumstance. Do I agree with every decision another parent makes? No. Do I respect that they are making very loving decisions and caring for their infant to the best of their ability? Absolutely! Just because I might not do something the same way another mom would doesn't make me right and her wrong, or vice versa. The thing about raising children is that in most cases, there is no clear, conclusive "right" answer. The only time I truly take issue with how someone cares for their baby is when his or her health is endangered. Other than that, the choice someone makes about how their baby is produced, fed, carried, and cleaned is none of my business. The decisions we make do not make us superior to one another.

The bottom line is that we're all mothers, we all love our babies, and we all want what we believe is best for them. We should be able to share our methods and approaches to childrearing without fear of being raked over the coals. Let's set aside our respective textures and support one another, shall we?

Best Buddies

2010-11-02T15:09:00.001-07:00

I love my boys.

What Do You Do All Day?

2010-11-02T10:48:00.000-07:00

People often ask what I do all day. The honest answer? I'm not really sure. At the end of the day I know I've been busy but can't always recall exactly what I was busy with. I do know that my days typically include some measure of housecleaning, lots of playtime with the baby, an outing (errands, a walk, a playdate, etc.) and almost always a shower. Almost. For those who question how much work an at-home mom really does, this article answers it better than I ever could (click on it to enlarge):

For real. EVERYthing takes longer with a baby. For example, when someone is preparing to leave the house without kid(s) in tow, all she has to do is put on shoes and maybe a jacket, grab her purse and keys and she's off. When I'm preparing to leave, I have to: restock the diaper bag; make sure Caleb doesn't need a diaper change; change his diaper if dirty (and occasionally his clothes if the diaper leaked); fill up my water bottle and grab a snack (breastfeeding momma = needing water and a snack with me at all times); get him in his car seat; get my shoes and coat on; haul the car seat to the car and get him secured (though lately he's so heavy I just leave the carseat in the car and buckle him in there); go back inside to grab all my stuff; and then I'm ready to go. Leaving the house can be up to a 15 minute process. Until the weather really gets cold, I often forgo a jacket because I work up a sweat just getting stuff (read: the baby) ready. As Carolyn said, everything just takes longer.

I am the keeper of our house. I do all the cleaning, cooking and maintaining of our home. This is part of the job description that I very willingly took on. I enjoy staying home to care for our son and keep our home. No, I LOVE it. However, like getting ready to leave, cleaning the house takes longer with an infant. I wrote about our daily schedule yesterday. There are two 2 hour blocks of time when Caleb naps. He doesn't always know that, so there are times that I'm cleaning while he's awake. I don't mind being interrupted to get on the floor and play, or wipe away his spit up, or pick him up and soothe him if he's feeling lonely. It just means that everything takes longer. He much prefers to be in the same room with me when he's up. Lately he enjoys hanging out in the kitchen with me, sitting in his high chair with a toy while I do the dishes. When I do laundry during his waketime, I bring the basket and baby upstairs and put him on the bed to play while I put our clothes away. I try to do all my chores during naptime so that he can have all my attention during his waketimes. I feel guilty when it doesn't work that way, but that's just the way it goes sometimes so I make an effort to incorporate him into whatever I'm doing.

What does it all boil down to? Flexibility. If you are too rigid and can't be flexible, you're going to have a very hard time as a parent.

For example, right now is mid-naptime for Caleb. He's had trouble breathing through his nose due to a bad cold, which has made for difficulty sleeping both during the day and at night. He's awake and refusing to go back to sleep, which means I don't get to shower when I planned, which means we won't be running errands when I planned. See? Flexibility.

(Addendum: Half an hour after writing that last bit I finally got him back to sleep. I'll get that shower after all but won't have time to dry my hair. My second point: Parenting is also about celebrating the simple luxuries.)

6 Months

2010-11-01T13:44:00.001-07:00

6 month stats: 21lb 4oz (90%), 28in (92%)

(Caleb is technically 7 months now but only by a few days, so I'm posting as if he's still 6.)

Six months old. Half a year. Six beautiful months with the most incredible baby boy. I cannot express enough how much I love being this little six month old boy's momma! This month has been a full one.

Solids. This is the biggest change this month! Up until now, Caleb has been exclusively breastfed. Well, he gets a bottle from Daddy every night before bed, but it's milk that I pumped, so I consider him exclusively breastfed. Part of me was sad that he already reached this stage, but a bigger part was excited to see what he thought of all the new flavors and textures. He gets a meal of cereal in the morning and another of fruits or veggies in the evening. We started out with rice cereal per his pediatrician's recommendation. Lowest risk of allergy, easiest on the tummy for the first food.

(first time with cereal)

So far, we've discovered that he likes carrots and avocados, loves butternut squash and peas, hates sweet potatoes, and is starting to like bananas.

(yucky sweet potatoes)

(yummy avocado)

Limited mobility. Caleb can't crawl yet, but he's working on the tools to get there. (Not that Momma is complaining; I'm relishing the ease of life with a mostly immobile baby.) This month he started doing big push-ups. Then he learned how to get his knees up underneath him, then got up on his knees and elbows at the same time, and now occasionally gets up on all fours. He stays in place during all this. However, he can really get around by spinning around on his tummy. He uses his arms to twist himself around. After enough 360's he is able to get to the place he was reaching for. I suspect he'll be army crawling in another week or two.

"Talking." We aren't to the point yet where Caleb makes distinguishable syllables, but he loves to "talk" and exercise his vocal chords. He has quite the range, from squeals that only dogs could hear to low gutteral grunts. He mostly uses vowel combinations but also favors soft consonants; "ffffff", "bbbbbb", "pppppp." Jonathan and I especially get a kick out of his latest trick, a motorboat sound by exhaling and rolling a "b" with his lips. I often hear him after he wakes up or when he's supposed to be falling asleep, rolling around and playing in his crib, doing his motorboat impression.

Caleb perfected his whine this month. The first few times I thought it was cute, but it got old really fast. He also uses his voice to express himself through yelling. If you take away a toy he's enjoying, you may well be shouted at. If he's having lots of fun during playtime on his blanket, he might let out a happy holler. Within the last few weeks especially, he is really letting loose with the vocals.

Lately I've been working with him on "Mama" and "Dada." Jonathan and I use these names around him frequently. When I say them to Caleb, he usually gets a big grin, kicking and flailing with excitement. He sometimes focuses on my mouth as I slowly say them, touching my lips and moving his along with me. I've also started baby sign language. The two we're practicing first are "more" and "all done." He hasn't tried to mimic me yet, but loves it when I sign. (Well, really, he loves it when we do anything with our hands.)

Other developments. We've had Caleb on a schedule since he was 5 weeks old. He thrives on his schedule (definitely takes after his momma!), and I love the predictability and stability it brings to my days. We have flexibility within our schedule and never make Caleb suffer for the sake of the clock. He has gradually been able to go longer between feedings. In the last week or two he's transitioned to a four hour schedule. This is the outline of what our days look like:

8am - Wake, eat, play
9am - Solids (cereal)
9:30am - Bathtime
10am - Nap
12pm - Wake, eat, play
2pm - Nap
4pm - Wake, eat, play
5:30/6pm - Catnap if needed
7pm - Solids (veggies or fruit)
7:30pm - Begin getting ready for bed
7:45pm - Bottle with Daddy
8pm - Bedtime

We are not blind to how blessed we are by Caleb's ability to sleep through the night. He started sleeping 5 hour stretches at 2 weeks old. By 5 weeks he was sleeping 8 hours at night. By 4-5 months he was at 11 consecutive hours. Then we went on vacation for a week at the end of September. Since then, he's been waking up in the night. We're trying a few different things to get him back to his 12 hour nights.

We heard Caleb laugh for the first time around 3 months. Month 6 has brought more laughing and, if possible, even more smiles. Tickling him is usually a surefire way to get him to laugh, but sometimes all it takes is a funny face or silly noise. I gotta say, he has a wonderfully contagious laugh. (I'm working on getting a video of it to upload.)

There is plenty more I could say. Caleb will reach for us now when we're picking him up or taking him from someone else. He's learning about playing games (his favorite is peekaboo, he loves it when I hide and pop up from behind the couch or his crib). He's figuring out the concept of cause-and-effect. He understands object permanence, which leads to the occasional separation anxiety. He sits extremely well unassisted (though eventually topples over, and laughs about it). He isn't very into standing but we're working on that. He grabs his feet as soon as I lay him down for a diaper change. He reaches out to feel everything he sees. He loves bathtime and splashes water all over the bathroom with his vigorous kicking. When we clap he holds onto our hands so he can clap with us.

All in all, he is a thriving, happy, intelligent, incredibly amusing six month old baby boy. He brings unending joy to our lives. Somehow, it just seems to get better every month. My predictions for month 7 include crawling, clapping, assisted standing, possibly his first tooth, and maybe even "Mama" and/or "Dada."

Catching Up

2010-11-01T11:21:00.000-07:00

I had big plans for my blog after Caleb was born. I was going to write about all the new things he did, all the things that Jonathan and I thought were so newsworthy and the rest of the world would probably find borderline mundane. Then life took over, I blinked, and seven months went by with nary an update. I really wanted to begin with Caleb's birth story and have all my posts in chronological order. However, I never "found the time" to write out his birth story, and everything following was put therefore put on hold. Consequently, I have no written record of his development over the past seven months. I've resolved to throw my original plan out the window and begin writing as I have time, about whatever I can remember. Maybe someday I'll organize it into a journal. If not, at least I'll have something.

So, seven months. I can hardly believe I have a seven-month-old baby. That sounds so much older to me than six! I think that's because he's now into the second half of his first year. A friend of mine has a boy who's three days older than Caleb. She wrote on her blog that he's now closer to being a one-year-old than a newborn. That's exactly it.

I can't tell you how often I sit back and think, 'I can't believe this is my baby.' I've held other people's babies, and I've handed them back. I didn't know what was best for them. I wasn't their primary caretaker. I couldn't decipher their different cries, didn't know what time they went down for naps, didn't know the tricks for making them smile or laugh. But, this one is mine. I know his schedule. I designed it with him. I know what his different cries mean. I know his tickle spots, the noises that make him smile and squeal with delight. I know what his favorite toys are, how he prefers to be held, the difference between yelling because he wants something and yelling just to hear his own voice. When I hold him, I don't have to give him back.

There have been some challenging moments over the last seven months, but none of them compare to the fun ones, the exciting ones, the melt-me-into-a-puddle ones. The next several posts will highlight some of those moments and hopefully catch you up on who our son is and what life has been like for us. His Daddy and I count ourselves the luckiest people on earth that God has chosen us to parent this little man. It's an awesome responsibility.

Dear Blog

2010-09-13T12:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Blog,

So sorry for neglecting you. I think of you often. I hope to rendezvous again soon, and frequently.

All my love,
Author

Happy

2010-05-25T11:32:00.000-07:00

Caleb's birth story (and lots more) is coming this week, but for now, I have to share my sweet boy's contagious little smile:

I can't believe how much I love this little boy!

Resurfacing

2010-05-06T08:19:00.000-07:00

No, I am not 47 weeks pregnant. I just haven't blogged in 7 weeks. Here's why:

Every night I look back on the day and wonder how it went by so fast. It's the best kind of busy I've ever been though. I'll be setting aside some time soon to write about the experience that brought our son into the world. And an experience it was!

Just Another Day

2010-03-21T12:11:00.001-07:00

After months of waiting, March 20th - the date that's been engrained in our heads since our first ultrasound in July - has come. And gone. It's funny how significant the date was leading up to it, but once we got to it and knew that that particular number, 3/20/2010, held no magical labor-inducing qualities, it was just another day. Today finds me officially "past due" but I don't really have any qualms about it. I'm almost always uncomfortable, it's increasingly difficult to sleep at night and I struggle with being patient. However, it's important to both Jonathan and I that Baby Boy comes on his own. We really don't want an induction and are willing to wait longer than we'd like in order to avoid that.

In the meantime, we're relaxing together and enjoying our last little bit of time as just us. We go on walks, out on dates once or twice a week, and watch movies snuggled up on the couch. We talk about how we think labor might go, how we'll spend the three weeks of leave he's taking from work and what we think life will be like with our son. We're both so anxious to meet him but also very much at peace with waiting on his arrival. He's not even here yet, but somehow he's already teaching us about selfless love.

Prepared

2010-03-16T13:08:00.000-07:00

Baby showers.... check.
Birthing classes.... check.
Set up nursery.... check.
Wash baby clothes/bedding/blankets.... check.
Choose a name.... check.
Pack bags.... check.
Clean house.... check. And check. And check. And check... etc.

There are many more preparations we've made in addition to this list. In short, we are totally and completely ready for this little boy to make his entrance. Apparently he is not quite there yet. That's ok... just as long as he gets there fast! Today marks t-minus 4 days until the due date. I've reminded him frequently of this date. If he refuses to cooperate, he will be served an official eviction notice. It's been my absolute privilege to carry him the last (nearly) 40 weeks, but at this point I would much rather have him in my arms than my uterus!

Little Man's Room

2010-03-16T12:54:00.000-07:00

My Olympic Events

2010-02-22T16:20:00.001-08:00

In honor of the 2010 Olympics, I've decided to list the events in which I'd like to compete:

*Knuckle cracking
*Full-body-joint cracking (equivalent of skiing Super-G)
*Number of freckles per one arm
*Feline conversation (Tigerlily totally knows what I'm saying to her.)
*Starting out at the back of a pack of cars, and ending up out front (timed event)
*Parallel parking
*Height of heels able to walk in (ineligible until post-March 2010)
*Distance spitting (my daddy taught me well!)
*Marathon shopping
*Knowledge of Friends episodes

Life Is Changing

2010-02-08T11:08:00.000-08:00

Baby boy is continuing to grow... and grow... and grow! He is healthy and looking absolutely perfect so far. At our appointment last week, my OB measured him 3 weeks behind so she ordered an ultrasound to make sure his growth is looking good. He must have been positioned funny because he weighs about 5 lbs 9 oz, about a week ahead of his gestational age. We weren't supposed to get any ultrasounds after 20 weeks unless something was wrong, so this was a blessing for sure! We were thrilled to get a peek at him again after 14 weeks of wondering what he looks like and how he's changed. I was completely captivated as soon as she started the ultrasound, as I watched him opening and closing his mouth, playing with his tongue, heaving a big sigh, wiggling his arms and legs which he had scrunched up against his body. He is so cute! 6 weeks had been feeling like hardly any time with all we have left to do, but after seeing him again, it suddenly feels like way too long. All I want to do is meet and snuggle my little guy.

Here he is with his mouth open (his tongue is that little round spot at the back of his lips):

His profile with mouth closed:

Sleepy little eye:

Arm tucked in:

And leg tucked in:

Jonathan and I have been talking about things we want to do this summer. Already it seems so natural to think about the logistics of going places and doing things with an infant. It's fun to see how excited he is about going on hikes while carrying his son in the front pack; taking walks around the lake with the stroller; going to parks and beaches with our little guy. All things we've done before, but all things that will seem brand new with our baby along with us. Life will undoubtedly be different for us but we are not sorry at all for the things we'll be giving up. It's a new kind of life for us and I can't imagine it will be anything less than better.

New Meaning

2009-12-22T11:18:00.000-08:00

There is something significantly different about Christmas this year that gives the birth of Jesus entirely new meaning to me. As I think about the impending birth of my own little boy, and the relationship that I'll have with him, I have brand new perspective of what God the Father went through from the human birth of his own Son to the day they rejoined in heaven.

He may have been God, but when Jesus came into humanity, he was tiny and helpless, innocent and pure. After laboring in a cold, unsterile stable, Mary gave birth to a baby boy - no pain medication, no midwife, no bed to rest in afterward. He may have been God but he was still her son, who she loved more than words could say. As she marveled over him, she couldn't have known what lay ahead for his life on earth. But God did.

God's capacity for love is infinitely greater than mine, which means that he loves his Son much more than I could possibly love my own. I imagine that as God watched Mary kneel by her son, blissfully unaware of the events to come in 33 years, his mind wandered to what he already knew would happen.

He knew that Jesus would be physically brutalized and tortured. 33 years later, he would be forced to turn his back as his innocent Son bore every sin the world has ever committed, temporarily separated from him in the the worst way possible. The thought of anything, anyone, harming my baby boy brings tears to my eyes and panic to my heart. God is not immune to pain and heartache. If mere humans can cause him grief, how much more must the suffering of his own Son?

The first Christmas, the angels rejoiced and brought messages to men near and far to come and see the Savior, born as a baby, arrived to save humanity. What a bittersweet night it must have been for the Father; joy at what his Son was to accomplish, unyielding burden at what he'd have to endure first.

I am so much like Mary. When my son arrives, I imagine I'll be marveling for hours over his sweet little form, oblivious to what events may come in his life. I don't know who or what will hurt him, what tragedies will fall, in what ways he will be stretched and grown and tested. God will know, and maybe he'll be thinking about them at the same time he's admiring his handywork.

Lord, I don't know how You were able to bear the weight of what happened to Your Son. If I'm truly honest then I'll admit that I don't want to know. Regardless, I have renewed gratitude for the both of You. I believe it will only grow, as I grow into motherhood.

You came like a winter snow
Quiet and soft and slow
Falling from the sky in the night
To the earth below

Slow and steady...

2009-11-09T20:52:00.001-08:00

...grows the belly:

21 weeks

Our Little BOY!

2009-11-07T18:48:00.000-08:00

We went in for our 20 week ultrasound on Thursday and found out we're having a boy! I was so sure it was a girl that I was shocked at first, but I'm really thrilled to meet my little man in March. He's currently 10 inches long and weighs 14 oz, measuring just a day ahead of where we are. We got a close look at his head and organs, arms, hands, legs and little feet. At one point he was holding his arm up and opening and closing his hand, like he was waving. I was more excited about finding out than Jonathan, who would have been fine waiting until birth to know what we have. He's surprised both of us with his enthusiasm and excitement about knowing that we're not just having a baby, we're having a son.

We got lots of pictures from the ultrasound, and this profile shot is my favorite:

This one isn't as clear, but you can see his little lips puckered under his nose:

His legs were stretched out toward the end, and even though you can't see it on this picture, I could tell that he has his daddy's feet instead of mine:

He's looking right out at the doppler here. Look closely next to his head and you can see his hands up by his face (he actually looks much more human than this, but the ultrasound doesn't show eyelids or hair or anything, just the eye sockets):

Me-1, H1N1-0

2009-11-04T15:19:00.000-08:00

Last Thursday I went in and got my thimerosal-free H1N1 vaccine. (Note: The vaccine takes 10 days to be fully effective.) I thought I was in the clear, until I woke up on Monday with a cough. You know, the chest-rattling, aching kind. By 5pm that evening I had a fever of 100.1, plus a headache, sore throat and the aches, so Jonathan took me to a clinic to be checked out. The doctor there said I did in fact have the flu, and based on the fact that I had my seasonal flu shot 4 weeks prior and the in-office test showed up negative for that strain, it was almost certainly H1N1.

For the last four weeks, I've been anxiously awaiting November 5th. That's the day of our 20 week checkup, and more importantly, our ultrasound where we'll get a good look at the baby and see if we're having a boy or a girl. Needless to say, I was not pleased with the timing of this flu.

I called my ob-gyn to let them know I had the flu and would need to reschedule. She told me that as long as I am without a fever for 24 hours prior to the appointment, we can still go. Talk about motivation to get better! In addition to the tamiflu prescribed by the clinic, I started popping tylenol and drinking so much fluids I can't believe I haven't drowned by now.

Well, as of yesterday evening, I have a very sore throat, runny nose and a headache, but no fever! That means we're still on for our appointment for tomorrow. This flu can kiss my pregnant behind!

Who Do You Love More?

2009-10-29T16:14:00.001-07:00

I've already begun to love my baby. Especially since I can feel its movements, I've started bonding with him/her. I can hardly imagine how much more intense that will be when he/she is born. While thinking about that, I was hit hard by this idea:

I have to love Jesus more than I love my child.

It's not even born, and already I'm struggling with getting this priority straight. It's hard enough to try and love Him more than Jonathan, and now I've got this little tiny being, that already has me wrapped around its unborn fingers, that I have to give to Him as well. It's not like He doesn't deserve it, like I don't understand why I should love Him more. But my goodness, this is my own flesh and blood. How on earth will I manage to keep this needy, helpless, beautiful little creature in second place?

God not only asked Abraham to love Him more, He asked him to prove it by slaughtering his son as a sacrificial offering. Abraham loved God so much that he obeyed, to the point where he held a knife above his son's chest, and he would have plunged it in had God not intervened. His only son, whom he and his wife Sarah had waited decades for. That is the kind of love that God both requires and deserves of me. Who am I to keep it from Him?

He knows my limitations, my struggles, my shortfalls. And if I ask Him, He can teach me how to love Him more. So now I pray this difficult prayer: "God, thank You for giving me this incredible blessing to love, but help me to love You more." And I try my hardest to mean it.

Little Movement, Big Impact

2009-10-26T23:22:00.001-07:00

18 weeks and 6 days, and still not feeling any movement. Listening to the heartbeat had become part of my nightly bedtime routine, and the reassuring 150bpm pulses let me know that the baby is healthy and thriving. Still, I wanted to feel those flutters, those little physical reminders that "I'm in here!"

19 weeks to the day, laying on my back in bed, waiting to go to sleep, hands resting on my stomach. Something rolls up against my right hand. Is that what I think it is? Could just be an air bubble... then another one. A foot, kicking out, gentle yet firm enough to push my hand up. A few moments later, and a third nudge. Then a softer one lower on my abdomen. An arm. My baby's arm, giving me a little poke.

19 weeks and 1 day. Now that I know what it feels like, I feel it all day long. A few firm kicks, and some softer nudges, all unmistakeably the baby. Distracting and tickling me during church, increasing after I've eaten, slowing down as I'm ready to sleep again.

Jonathan has been able to feel a few taps. In time it will be easier to feel them outside my stomach. For the time being, even though I love to share these things with my husband, I enjoy the private moments, just my baby and I. Even as I sit here, I feel intermittent pokes from (what I think are) the baby's arms. Arms that in 21 weeks I will hold and kiss and love more than I can imagine is possible.

In a week and a half, I'll know if those kicks and jabs are coming from my son or my daughter!

17 Weeks

2009-10-14T13:45:00.001-07:00

4 Months Down

2009-10-06T10:17:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday, the 3rd, marked the beginning of my fourth month. 16 weeks down, 24 to go. So far the second trimester hasn't been much different than the first, but once we learned the key to controlling the morning sickness, the first wasn't really that bad. We have our next monthly appointment this Thursday, and a month after that we find out what we're having. The closer it gets the more excited I am. I can't wait to start on the nursery, buy some cute outfits, pick out names, etc. I truly don't care whether it's a boy or a girl. There are so many different good things that come with each!

I've wondered when I would really start to feel like a parent; whether it would be while I'm still carrying the baby, or when it's born, or maybe a while after that. Then, a week or two ago, I had my first taste of what it feels like to be a mother. I've mentioned in a previous post the story of Audrey Caroline. (READ IT! Read it now! It's a heartbreaking story, but inspiring too.) She was the daughter of Todd and Angie Smith. Todd is one of the singers in Selah. I was up late one night reading the story again. I cried plenty the first time I read it; add the pregnancy hormones this second time, and a blubbering mess ensues. At one point I felt a staggeringly strong need to protect my own unborn child. Over and over, I prayed, "God, protect my baby. God, protect my baby." I won't fully understand what it means to be a mother until this little one comes into the world, but for the time being, I think I have an idea.

Growing

2009-09-15T09:59:00.000-07:00

It's been over two weeks since we've moved into the house, and it feels more like home all the time. We still have some boxes scattered around and probably will for a while. Some things will have to wait to be unpacked until we have all of our furniture. In the meantime, Jonathan is enjoying having his long-awaited subwoofer and watching movies with the volume cranked; Tigerlily is enjoying running around all the extra space we have now; and I'm enjoying sitting on the couch and taking naps. :) In a couple weeks we'll have the baby grand up here, which I cannot wait for! As soon as we find a sofa we like for the family room, we'll move the current furniture up to the living room where the piano will be, and then the wall hangings, pictures, etc. can come out of the boxes they're living in right now.

We had our monthly appointment last week and everything is looking good. The baby's heartrate is about 158/160. Our OB's assistant had a hard time finding it at first. Turns out the baby is sitting very low. I'm 13 weeks now, less than a week away from the official beginning of the second trimester! The morning sickness is slowly starting to ease, but it's not gone yet. We'll see what happens next week. Maybe I'll be one of the lucky ones who wakes up the day I turn 14 weeks and I'll be magically feeling 100%.

We had a brief spell of warm weather last weekend, but for the most part, the season has unofficially turned to fall. Those of you who know me well will not believe what I'm about to say... I'm looking forward to fall! ::gasp:: I know, I know, I'm a Florida girl at heart and love the hot weather. However, with my temperature running higher all the time, the cooler weather has felt pretty good. Besides, there are some things about fall that even summer lovers can appreciate: changing leaves; crisp air; seasonal colors (that happen to be my favorite colors); the reintroduction of pumpkin spice lattes and apple cider. I wish fall didn't equate to more rain, but now as a homeowner with a lawn to be watered, I can even appreciate that more. (Marginally.)

Many have asked me to see what my little baby bump looks like. It's not much of a bump, but it's something:

The Big Day

2009-08-29T22:32:00.000-07:00

It's 10:30pm. Moving is hard. I am TIRED.

So Much To Do

2009-08-24T21:54:00.001-07:00

I LOVE lists. Lists keep my life sane. (Especially now. It seems "pregnancy brain" is setting in rather early.)

Here's a list of what we've been doing:

1. We closed on our house on August 19th and began the moving process.
2. We went camping with a big group of friends and had a fantastic time. Already looking forward to next year!
3. I've been sans morning sickness for over a week now, thanks to a prescription that my ob gave me. I still have lots of fatigue, but that's much easier to deal with than/without nausea.
4. Jonathan has been doing most of the packing thus far, and I've been attempting to keep the condo clean. It's really hard to stay on top of when I'm so tired. I suppose it's good practice for when I'll have an entire house to clean, plus a newborn to care for.
5. Our 9 week checkup was on the 14th. We heard our baby's heartbeat; highly unusual until at least 10 weeks. We sure felt special! Our baby is nice and strong, growing so fast. Our next ultrasound won't be until we find out the gender. They'll have us bring a burnable DVD to record it. So cool!! I'll post it on here when the time comes.
6. I started volunteering at the hopsital again. It's nice to be back into my routine.

And a list of things to come:

1. This week is crazy busy. Jonathan, with some help from his mom and a friend, will be painting some of the house in the evenings. His mom is going to clean the house for us (HUGE help, especially for me), and I'm going to try and conquer packing the rest of the apartment.
2. Moving day is Saturday.
3. We get to see out of town friends again in a couple weeks for a nerd - I mean, video game - convention in Seattle.
4. Our families will be visiting over the next month to see us and check out our new home.
5. I'll be 13 weeks at our next checkup. I can tell I'm starting to show, but not enough to be obvious to anyone else. By 13 weeks, I should be definitely popping out a bit. Weird to think about.
6. [This line is reserved for all the unexpected things that will come up this week that I don't anticipate now, but am certain will find us.]

Cuter By The Day

2009-08-14T11:02:00.000-07:00

Emma and Kole at a couple weeks:

3 months:

6 months:

Little Boys Are Funny

2009-08-13T10:30:00.000-07:00

My nephew, who will be 4 in October, does and says the cutest things.

William loves babies and looks forward to meeting his tiny cousin next spring. He understands that babies grow in mommy's tummy, so he got it when my sister explained that I have a little tiny baby growing in mine. His reaction? Leaning over to check out my stomach, and SO gently patting it, feeling around for the little baby. Absolutely precious.

I showed him the picture of the ultrasound and pointed out where the baby was. He held the picture close to his face, cocked his head to the side and said, "Ohhhh, it's so cuuuuute!"

Then I asked him whether he thinks it will be a boy or girl. Here's how the conversation went:

Me: "Do you think it will be a boy or a girl?"
William: "It's a girl!"
Me: "What do you think her name should be?"
William: "...Pegasus."
My sister: "What if it's a boy?"
William: (shooting daggers with his eyes) "It's NOT a boy."

Thus, my family has dubbed my baby Pegasus until further notice.

Oh Baby!

2009-08-11T11:07:00.000-07:00

We planned for it, but still got surprised.

A few posts ago, I explained about PCOS and what that could mean for me/us. Since that post, I've met with a reproductive endocrinologist who specializes in treating PCOS. My goal was not just to reverse possible infertility, but also to prevent other health conditions (diabetes, heart disease, etc.) that can develop from PCOS. I've also met with a nutritionist, who is working with me to create a diet that will minimize PCOS symptoms.

I've always been irregular, so after going off the pill it was no surprise that my cycles became unpredictable. On July 20th, it had been about 3 months since my last cycle. While this is abnormal, it's happened to me before. I chalked it up to PCOS. I had also had back pain and cramping for a few weeks, which I attributed to the impending visit from Aunt Flo. I'd been charting for several months, and saw no sign of pregnancy. (When you ovulate, progesterone kicks in and causes your basal body temperature to rise. If you've conceived, your temperature remains high. Mine never shifted, signifying an anovulatory cycle.)

I finally decided to take a test - to basically rule it out.

Imagine my surprise as I watched the test line turn pink... and the positive indicator line turn pink immediately after.

And then I started laughing. Uncontrollably.

You've GOT to be kidding me!!!!

I was incredibly bewildered. My chart showed that I wasn't ovulating. My RE had taken one look at my charts and said I wasn't ovulating. So, I drank a bunch of water and took another test. Again, immediately positive. Although, this time the lines were slightly blurry. Well, what does that mean? More bewilderment. Sooo, I went to the store, bought another box of tests, drank a lot of liquid, and took a third test. Yet again, immediate positive. 'Well,' I thought, 'there you go.' Except even after three positive tests, I still didn't believe it.

There was only one surefire way to know, so I immediately went in for a blood test. The next day, I couldn't believe my ears when the nurse on the phone said, "It's positive!"

I'm pregnant.

That entire week, all I could say was, "I can't believe I'm pregnant. I can't believe it. I can't believe it." I had expected that it would be at least a few more months until it would even be possible for me to conceive. I mean, I "wasn't ovulating"!

I thought about something my mom-in-law told me she'd been reading in the Bible. There were so many barren women who wanted nothing more than to have a child, so they prayed. And prayed. And prayed. And then, God opened their wombs. For months, I asked - no, begged - for God to allow me to be pregnant. And then He did.

My initial reaction to the home pregnancy tests was laughter and disbelief. My reaction after talking to the nurse was literally falling on my knees, crying and thanking God over and over for what He had given us.

We had our first ultrasound on Thursday of that week, and found that we were 5 weeks and 5 days pregnant. That meant I was already pregnant when we went to see the RE. When they did the blood test, they found that my progesterone was low, which would explain why my temp never rose, and why I didn't seem to be ovulating.

The pregnancy has become much more real since "morning" sickness kicked in just after our ultrasound. Each day is tough; I'm exhausted and nauseous, and all I want to do is lay in bed. (Being out of work has actually worked out for me now; there's no way I could function at work in this state.) It's difficult being so uncomfortable all the time, but it's also a reminder of a beautiful lesson God has taught me. I fretted for so long, but he had already provided what I longed for. He is worthy of my trust. And if things had worked out differently and we were never able to conceive, He would have taken care of that somehow, too.

Our next appointment is in 3 days. We'll get to see our baby again, and this time hear the heartbeat. I'm already in love with our little "miracle" baby. We planned for you, but you still managed to catch us off guard. You definitely are your daddy's baby. :)

2009-08-07T21:39:00.000-07:00

I've been dark for about 2 months. Let me tell you, a LOT has happened. Almost all of it centers around this:

...our first house!

Jonathan and I have had what feels like more than our fair share of stress. While the area is nice and convenient, the general location wasn't our first choice. We also had some bumps in the road with the inspection. However, we're all set to close on August 19th and move in by the 31st. We eagerly await painting and customizing the house. Right now it's someone else's house that we're moving into; I can't wait to make it our house.

Jon & Kate Plus 5 Billion

2009-06-18T22:00:00.001-07:00

I admit to being among the masses who watch Jon & Kate Plus 8. The kids are so cute, with their distinct little personalities and different but similarly adorable little faces. (Leah and Aaden are my favorites.) I just started watching at the beginning of the year, and have since caught several of the old episodes. It's clear that the couple were in a different place then than they are now.

People criticize Jon and Kate constantly, accusing them of exploiting their kids and acting entitled. Jon is lazy, Kate's a maneater, Jon's giving up, Kate is more concerned about publicity than her family. You know what? WHO CARES?!? Really, it's none of our business. We may think it is because it's on TV, but this is a real family, and their decisions are none of our business.

I can't say that I never have these judgmental thoughts. I've found myself emotionally involved in their marriage, and after reading an article that the big announcement on Monday's show will be a divorce, I felt like crying. I have reactions like this to big changes in any show I watch: George and Izzy's cliffhanger on Grey's Anatomy; Mike leaving Susan on Desperate Housewives; Chloe watching Edgar die on 24; Chuck breaking B's heart on Gossip Girl. However, there is one monumental difference between all of those shows and J&K+8:

This show documents a real family, living a real life, going through real problems.

You know what I think that means? I think it means we should all just leave them alone. Stop speculating, stop following them around, stop spreading gossip. (Granted, it would probably help a good deal if they ditched the cameras and gave themselves some privacy to hash out their troubles.)

They may be on TV, but the Gosselins are just another family, like any of us. I hope for the kids' sake that they aren't announcing a divorce, but whatever they do, it's their decision. Theirs. It's not the world's place to weigh in and tell them what they should or should not do.

I strongly believe in the 2x4 gospel, removing the planks from our own eyes before pointing out the speck in someone else's (Matthew 7:5). This is a perfect time for all of us to put it into practice.

Scavenger Hunt

2009-06-06T13:41:00.001-07:00

Oh, the nostalgia.

Last weekend, we participated in a photo scavenger hunt, designed by a friend in honor of her husband's birthday. Inhibition was in the wind as we approached perfect strangers, asking them to take pictures of us wearing hard hats in home depot, jumping off a step, climbing on each other to form a human pyramid.

The adventure took me back to the days of early high school and church youth group, when things like scavenger hunts and impromptu 80's parties found us on a regular basis.

Gone was all the pride and dignity of a group of friends in their mid-to-late twenties, replaced by the silliness and wacky confidence of adolescence. My team may not have won, but we sure had a great time losing.

Here are some of my favorite moments:

MISSION: Human pyramid. (I really thought the guy taking this picture was going to run off with my camera. I was prepared to jump off the pyramid and chase him.)

MISSION: Jumping. (Everyone's feet had to be off the ground.)

MISSION: Sliding down a slide. (Bonus points if it's twirly!)

MISSION: Group hug.

MISSION: Use selves to spell out a word. (Can you read us?)

MISSION: Record re-enactment of a scene from The Sound of Music.

Spring Has Sprung

2009-05-27T14:13:00.000-07:00

Thanks for the flowers, Jonathan!

I love hot weather. Seriously, LOVE it. I bask in the gloriousness that is the sun. I live for 85 and sunny. I enjoy the first month or two of winter, but by February, I pine for the days when I can shed my sweaters and jackets in exchange for tank tops and flip flops. I have to confess, it will be tough to muster the motivation to find a job this summer. I am sorely tempted to spend each day lounging by the pool, or sprawled out reading on the grass at the park by the river, or driving with the moon roof open and music cranked, just for the sake of being out.

I may have only spent the first five years of my life living in Florida, but that was enough to taint my feelings toward months upon months of frigid temperatures.

On the other hand, Seattle summers are really something to behold. During the bleak months I forget about the incredibly green landscape; the sparkling water everywhere I turn; the dry, comfortable, consistent heat.

Despite my love for Florida, the one thing missing is the change of seasons, and the PNW certainly has that. I love seasons. Although winter is almost too long for my sanity, spring comes just before I lose my mind and soon to follow is my beloved summer.

Gen. 1:14:
And God said, "Let there be lights in the expanse of the heavens to separate the day from the night. And let them be for signs and for seasons, and for days and years."

Encouragement

2009-05-21T21:59:00.001-07:00

After writing about my little victories, several friends have been coming out of the woodwork confiding that they, too, suffer from PCOS. Their stories have given me hope that perhaps it's not as bad as I fear. Thank God for the inspiration to write the post!

Tonight I found a book about it that received rave reviews. I got home from Barnes & Noble about five minutes ago, and as soon as I'm finished typing I'm cracking open this bad boy. It includes information ranging from in-depth explanations about the syndrome to natural treatments. I've never been so excited to reduce sugars and carbs. (sigh...)

In the profound words of Coach, I'm the dragonslayer, and the dragon will be slayed.

Nieces and Nephews

2009-05-19T23:20:00.000-07:00

I love being an aunt to these kids:

Kole & Emma

William

Jonah and Haley

Little Victories

2009-05-18T15:25:00.000-07:00

The past 8 months in a nutshell: Lost my job. Applied for 100+ jobs. Didn't get 100+ jobs. Began house search. Met new niece and nephew. Met with doctor to begin preparing for getting pregnant (not trying now, just preparing so we're ready when we decide to start). Found out about PCOS. Went off meds. Put an offer on a house. Lost said house. Turned 25. Began planning 4th wedding anniversary.

Looking at that list, I suppose it would be easy to slump into a vegetative state, wallowing in the misfortunes and ignoring the celebrations. I admit there have been times when I've been tempted to, and a few where I've succumbed. But the fact that my outlook has remained relatively bright is nothing but a testament to God's strong hand holding up Jonathan and I through so many changes and roadblocks.

There's a driving force that allows me to handle these challenges. I'll give you a clue: his name starts with "J" and ends with "esus". Here's a list of "little victories" that He's helped me win:

1. Employment. Our only income for 8 months has been from Jonathan's job, and my unemployment. However, our savings continues to grow. It's not depleting, it's not even just stagnant. It's slow, but it's growing. God is providing.

2. Budget. I'm a raging shopaholic. When Jonathan and I decided that it was time to get serious about buying a house, we put ourselves on a spending freeze, save for the necessities.

I thought it would be difficult to not have a clothing budget, or even a monthly petty cash budget for Starbucks or makeup or pedicures. Lo and behold, I've actually enjoyed the shopping handicap. God is teaching me that shopping isn't as fulfilling as I thought it would be. I'm being filled by joining BSF, volunteering at a hospital, and saving my Christmas gift cards for something that I really, really love.

3. Houses. A few weeks ago we had to walk away from a house we fell in love with. We got tantalizingly close to mutual acceptance, but it got to the point where he couldn't go any lower, and we couldn't go any higher, so we had to walk away.

The night we realized it wasn't going to happen, I moped and pouted and allowed myself to wallow in anger. The next day I waited for the depression to overwhelm me, but instead I felt peace and - to my great confusion - relief! Although our final offer on the house was very possible for us, it would have made the next year or two quite uncomfortable. God understood that I still want to be able to shop and go out to eat and take a vacation once in a while, and these things would have been nearly impossible if we'd bought the house. There were no "if only's", no "why me's," no "it's not fair's". Just peace. I know my mental and emotional limits, and I'm telling you, that peace didn't come from my own mind!!

4. Bible study. Jonathan joined BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) last year. He'd been patiently and persistently urging me to join the women's group, and I irritably and self-righteously (and as graciously as I could muster) declined. I knew my walk was stagnant, that I hadn't willingly opened my Bible in who knows how long. I didn't have doubts, but I also didn't have motivation.

When January's intro night rolled around, I felt a need to make an effort to honor God, and a longing for fellowship. Now, 5 months later, the last night has concluded and I'm bummed about it. I'm going to miss being held accountable to meet with God throughout the week. I'm going to miss the fellowship. Not for too long, though. We resume with the study of John in September. :)

5. PCOS. This is the big one for me. My greatest fear in life is inability to conceive. We've been discussing starting a family, and while we aren't trying right now, I thought I should get my body prepared so that when the time comes, we'll be ready and have our ducks in a row. I visited my doctor in March and told her about some health issues I've had, including a couple hospital visits. She ordered an ultrasound and blood draw, and the resulting diagnosis is PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). It's a condition that causes abnormal hormone levels leading to - among other symptoms - multiple ovarian cysts, and quite possibly infertility by way of anovulation.

Enter panic, racing heart and sweating.

It's possible that I ovulate just fine on my own. My doctor (who is fabulous, by the way!) has me charting my cycles, and the data will show whether I'm ovulating or not. If I don't ovulate, there are some treatments, but Jonathan and I haven't discussed them yet, and I know already we aren't sure where we stand on infertility treatments for ourselves.

It's not just parenting a baby that I crave, it's carrying one. I understand all the pains and problems that come with pregnancy, and I swear I'm not masochistic, but I can't wait for all of that. I can't wait for the experience. The idea that I may never get to do that is terrifying. God is forcing me to rely on Him. To be honest, I'm not sure I would trust Him this much if I didn't have to, if I could take control of things myself. It's scary, but at the same time, it's a weight off my shoulders that I've got Someone so much greater to do it for me. My new mantra is Matthew 11:28 - "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

I had a revelation the other night reading the incredible, heart-wrenching story of Todd Smith of Selah, his wife Angie, and their child Audrey Caroline. Todd and Angie found out when she was 20 weeks pregnant that their daughter Audrey would almost certainly die either in the womb, or immediately upon birth. (Angie's faith is impossibly strong, and I encourage everyone to read her story.) With tears streaming down my face, I read about their journey and realized that I would rather conceive and miscarry than never have the chance at all. To all the mothers who have miscarried, I understand - as best I can - that the grief never goes away, that it's a life-changing loss, and that you would probably never wish such an experience on anyone. That said, given that I would willingly put myself through that may help you understand just how strong my desire to carry a child really is.

I won't know for some time if I'll be able to someday conceive. I think about it every day and constantly remind myself that it's fully in God's hands, not mine. (Then I have to remind myself to be okay with that.) Of all the trials that have come my way in these eight months, I anticipate that PCOS will yield the greatest results, and for the better, regardless of the outcome. Either I will be rejoicing that God gives us a child, or I'll be rejoicing that my worst fear realized has found me nestled into His arms for comfort.

All in all, thank God for trials, because without them I would be proud, arrogant and dependent only upon myself. Thank God for the little victories that He allows me, knowing that all suffering and no relief would leave me lifeless and despairing. Time will tell what the final outcomes are, and I look forward to sharing how He's blessed me through victories or losses.

Welcome to the World

2009-02-23T13:11:00.001-08:00

Kole and Emma, Jonathan's twin nephew and niece, were born on February 10th. After a long week, the whole family was released from the hospital and home for the first time. Welcome to the world, little cuties!

Emma

Kole

Tigerlily

2009-02-23T13:04:00.001-08:00

She's not as fat as she looks...

Pet Peeves

2009-01-29T15:18:00.000-08:00

I know... it's been a while. You know what that means? It means my life is boring right now! Still no job, not really any prospects. I did start attending BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) on Monday nights. Jonathan attended last year, and this year he's a children's leader for 1st and 2nd graders. Cool, huh? It's been great to watch him growing and maturing and stretching through his leadership. I look forward to seeing how my own life changes through our study. I also applied to volunteer at a nearby hospital. I still have my interview and orientation to attend, and once I've completed those I begin my service. Maybe I'll get to work in maternity and post-natal. ;)

I have a major pet peeve, and I'm wondering if it drives you as crazy as it does me. If you are my checker at a store, PLEASE do not comment on my purchases. If you're interested in my items, or find I'm getting a great deal, or think I'm paying too much, resist the urge to point it out to me. You are more than welcome to ask me about my day, but do not stand there and read the greeting card I picked out. Do comment on the weather, but do not stop scanning my items to pick something up that you already scanned so that you can read aloud the details about what kind of deodorant it is to your curious and nosy coworker. When you're on your break, go find it yourself. If you want to complain to my sister that your break is still a long time away, whatever, but don't ask her if the pregnancy test she's buying is a good thing or a bad thing. Really, people, use your sensor buttons! Here's a good rule of thumb: When in doubt about whether your comment is appropriate or not, just keep it to yourself.

What pet peeves do you have?

Paradigm

2008-12-15T12:29:00.001-08:00

I LOVE the snow. I love how quiet it gets as it descends and layers on the ground. I love how the world sparkles as it coats the trees, cars and rooftops. I love how the dark night sky seems to glow as the snow reflects back to it. I love how the child in me still gets as excited as I used to be when I pressed my face to the classroom window as the first snow of the season fell. For me, it's okay if it's cold and icy outside because I have a warm home to stay in while I watch the snowfall.

For others, it's not okay.

My delight in our snowy weather is dampened by the idea of those who have no home to retreat to. Those who must sit outside, huddled on the freezing sidewalk with little to keep warm. Those who have no cider or soup to warm up with, no cozy bed to snuggle in. The stigma of the homeless being responsible for their own situations may or may not be true. Regardless, does that mean they deserve to suffer outside in the unforgiving cold?

I pray that I can be thankful for my circumstances without forgetting those who are in worse situations. I pray for those who dread this season and struggle to stay alive in the freezing temperatures. I pray that they can find warm shelters and sustenance. I pray that I can be someone who helps them and shows them the love of God by providing for them when they cannot provide for themselves.

Stopping By Woods

2008-12-15T12:25:00.000-08:00

Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening
by Robert Frost

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village, though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Something Old, Something New

2008-11-24T11:44:00.000-08:00

One would think I'd have something new to report by now, but I don't. I have received a couple calls from companies I applied for, but as of now nothing has progressed further than the initial call. It's a brutal job market right now. Jonathan and I are constantly reminded of how blessed we are by the job God provided for him. We haven't had to dip into our savings once since I lost my job. Many people are struggling to make ends meet in our current economy, and we are still quite comfortable. Our provisions are certainly not of our own accord.

My best friend is getting married in less than two weeks and I have the privilege of serving as her matron of honor. I love everything wedding and am so excited for this one. My own wedding may have been over 3 years ago, but I haven't forgotten the feelings of excitement, anxiety or stress; the meltdowns and struggles; the abundance of choices and decisions. What a blissfully insane time.

I had a dream about my "wedding" last night. Jonathan and I were renewing our vows, and somehow it was the day of our renewal and I had so many loose ends. I had tried to be laid back about the whole thing, and ended up so lacksadaisical that I had no flowers, no place settings, no food for the reception, and a dream within the dream where I got renewed my vows in jeans and a sweatshirt. It's funny how even years after the wedding, I'm still haunted by nightmares.

Flores

2008-11-12T16:21:00.000-08:00

Jonathan came home from work yesterday and surprised me with flowers. I'm a lucky lady!

TAG You're It!

2008-10-16T10:47:00.000-07:00

I've been tagged by Jenna. Let's see if I can come up with 7 interesting things....

1. When I was little, I thought that EVERYone was supposed to go to preschool when they were 4 years old. However, preschool is not free and my family couldn't afford for me to go at the time. I suppose I didn't want anyone to think that I was too dumb to go, so that entire year, whenever someone would ask me my age, I would answer, "I'm four, but I don't go to preschool because it costs too much."

2. I constantly have a soundtrack running through my head. By this, I mean that when I'm driving, or thinking about something sad, or having fun with friends, I'm thinking of a song that would go perfectly with the moment if it was in a movie. Also, when I'm listening to a song I'll think about what kind of scene in a movie it would be appropriate for.

3. You know how when you have a brand new pair of jeans, they need to stretch a little bit to fit perfectly? Well, when I try on jeans in the dressing room, I move around a little to stretch them out. A few months ago I was doing this in the Gap, with the same size I always wear, and I kid you not, the jeans ripped all the way down the butt and onto the leg. I came out of the dressing room, roamed around like I was taking a second look around the store, hid the jeans behind a manequin and hauled my denim-destroying butt right out of there.

4. I do math when I look at the clock. For example, if it's 4:15, I notice that 4+1=5. If it's 12:11, I see 1x2=1+1. If it's 3:57, I see 3+2=5+2=7.

5. A lot of people hate it when drivers weave, but I'm definitely a weaver. When I'm driving on the freeway and I come up to a pack of cars, I immediately look at it like a game. How can I get around these cars and come out in the front? As soon as I get past one car, I'm looking for the next opening. It's like a personal challenge, and I hate it when I lose.

6. I am scared of Canadian geese. When I was 7 years old, I was at the park feeding them bread. I ran out but they kept coming at me looking for more. I backed away with my hands out, but they came faster at me, hissing and flapping their wings. I started jogging away from them, and had to break into a full out run as they advanced. The whole flock chased me through the park for about 5 minutes before they finally backed off. Ever since then, I keep my distance.

7. I have the compulsive need to compliment people back when they compliment me. If you tell me my hair looks nice, I'll tell you I like your top. If you tell me you like my necklace, I'll tell you how cute your shoes are. Usually I mean it but on occasion I don't; I do it anyway because I can't help myself.

Now, I tag Angie, Amy, Taylor, and Melissa.

Seasons

2008-10-15T11:10:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been 5 weeks since my last post and really nothing has changed. I am still actively looking for a job. There are a plethora of jobs I've applied for but I've only received one response which turned out to be a dead end. Either I'm way less qualified than I thought, or everyone is posting and not hiring. I suspect it's the latter.

Those of you who know me well, know that I LOVE the heat and sunshine. The Northwest is certainly not known for those. Right now the deciduous trees are changing and despite the cold, I find that it's worth it to be chilly just to enjoy the brilliant colors. This epiphany made me think about seasons in my life that I struggle through, but then something comes along that I can find beauty in, and I forget about the hardship. God orchestrates things perfectly, doesn't He?

A Surprising Bend in the Road

2008-09-09T13:53:00.000-07:00

I received some surprising news at work on Friday. Last winter, we pitched to take on the entirety of one of our biggest accounts. (They had been using 5 other agencies in addition to us.) This would mean acquiring all 34 markets, instead of the 6 we had been working on. We lost the pitch to a large agency based in Los Angeles. However, they continued using us throughout the year. Last week they informed our agency that they decided to cut all ties now and move all work over to the winning agency. On Friday afternoon, my boss came in with someone from HR to let me know that we had officially lost the account and had to let me go. It was certainly a shock; I didn't see it coming at all. They also let another buyer go, someone who was partially retired from accounting, and a radio buyer who had basically left but still did work on the account for us. Also, all of the execs are taking pay cuts. I've spoken with the girls I shared an office with and they don't think the layoffs are over yet.

On Friday I was just angry, on Saturday I was apathetic, on Sunday I was depressed, and the last couple days I've been OK with it. It was strange yesterday not going to work, but to be honest, I'm enjoying the break! Work had me so wound up and stressed that a small vacation is really good for me. I already feel more at peace and back to my normal self.

I've wanted to leave DM for a while now, but I had of course expected that it would be on my terms. I wanted a new job but I loved the perks of working in media, and the girls I worked with had become good friends. Those two things kept me working for a company that I wanted to leave. I am grateful that God did what I couldn't bring myself to do. All in all, I'm feeling very upbeat and looking forward to starting something better.

Busy Times

2008-08-19T11:56:00.001-07:00

August has been crazy busy. Not only the weekends, but weekdays as well. Weekend 1: Wedding and family vacation in Oregon. Weekend 2: ...I don't remember, but I know it was busy. Weekend 3: Camping at Alder Lake. We really enjoyed time outdoors and with friends, but between noisy teenagers and thunder at night and inconsiderate crows in the morning, we didn't sleep much. Weekend 4: BSF training Saturday morning then immediately off to the Oregon coast again for a family reunion. Weekend 5: PAX. Thanks to the Olympics I have also been up late nearly every weeknight. Women's gymnastics are my favorite events, and of course those don't broadcast until 11 or 11:30 at night. Sometimes I think the universe is conspiring against me.

I had a slight freakout last week that I haven't had in a long time. Jonathan's sister is expecting, and as I began to think about how she'll share her entire pregnancy with family and friends and everyone in Oregon will be watching her grow, it made me think of how Jonathan and I will be on our own up here when it's our turn. We have friends to share it with, but it's not the same as family. I thought about how when I go into labor, our family may not even get up here until after the baby is born. Jonathan is certainly enough for me and I am content with him. I don't NEED to be with my family, but I wish I could be. However, we know God wants us up here and I am looking for peace in that. I'm learning how to pray for God's will to be done, and consequently for His will to become my will. Jonathan has been very encouraging and speaking God's truth to me in the midst of my confliction. I believe God speaks through us to encourage and teach one another. Just another amazing aspect of what marriage brings

We listened to Mark Driscoll's first sermon in his series Praying Like Jesus ( listen here) on our way to the campgrounds. I wondered, how often do I pray for God to get me out, and how often do I pray for Him to get me through? As I listened I began to understand how I can pray for what my heart desires, while still asking that His will be done. I can't explain it nearly as well as Mark can, so I encourage you to click on the link and watch or listen to the sermon. It's a difficult sermon about Jesus' pain as he prayed in Gethsemane, but it's totally worth it.

Drumroll Please....

2008-08-01T11:26:00.000-07:00

.....Jonathan was offered and accepted a new job!!! The application and interview process has taken a few weeks, but yesterday he accepted an offer from Seattle Genetics, a pharmaceutical company just up the street from where he works now. He's had a bit of cold feet, but mostly because it's going to be a change and he didn't get as high a position as he hoped. However, they offered him the same salary and a bigger annual bonus than he's getting now, plus a sign-on bonus.

That's really the only news we have right now. The rest is the same old story. Now that he has a new job lined up, we can begin planning the next step, which is buying a house. This won't happen immediately. We haven't figured out a timeline yet, but knowing that we can start that makes us pretty excited. While we're enjoying being in the moment, we also look forward to the future.

This weekend we're heading down to Oregon for a wedding and visiting his family, and a vacation at Seaside with my family. This trip was originally supposed to be for all the family to be together and take a break with Grandma. It's certainly taken a different course since April. Now, it's more a time for us to be together as a family and remember her, and enjoy each other's company without the fresh burden of Grandma's death. I LOVE the beach, and although it may be freezing (even in August), I'm excited to be there.

On a lighter note, I got a super cute pair of shoes today!

Anyone who knows me at all knows that I love to shop. Clothes, shoes, bags, gifts, whatever; I love it. I was like a kid in a candy store last weekend when the Southcenter mall reopened, with the first H&M store ever in Washington. A brand new store with brand new clothes and accessories that I had never seen before. A legion of other people must have had the same idea, because it took for-EV-er to get through that store.

Next on my list:

HOT. Can't wait to wear these.

The Great Debate

2008-07-17T11:06:00.000-07:00

The City is a social networking site for Mars Hill Church, comparable to Facebook or Myspace but without all the silly apps and advertising. Recently, pastor of the Bellevue campus (where Jonathan and I attend) was interviewed by the Seattle P.I. (article) . Upon reading the comments by others who read the article, I felt a rainbow of emotions coursing through me: anger, disbelief, sadness, indignation, pity... the list goes on. So many hateful comments by ignorant people who think they know everything about Mars Hill, based on what they read and hear from others.

I prayed for grace and the ability to love those who slandered Pastor Jesse and the church, took a deep breath, and began to type out my own comment. Now, I am a highly emotional person. I realize one of my faults is responding very emotionally, which usually leads to remorse. This time around, God surely gave me the sense and wisdom to respond lovingly and gently, using logic and Biblical references to explain where the haters are mistaken. (You can read my comments on page 4; my username is "redvox.")

I've been able to engage in a level-headed, intelligent debate with a few other commentators. I am so thrilled at the chance to be bold and defend Christ in a way that I hope will respect others and prove to them that not all Christians are judgmental, hateful, hypocritical lunatics. Unfortunately, that is the widespread stereotype.

Please pray for me, that I may continue this discussion and be a glimpse of hope for those who have discarded the idea of Jesus and what he represents. Pray that I may have wisdom and discernment, and divine words.

There's blog about the article (read it here) that I've also engaged in. Feel free to join in, but please be respectful even to those who hate Christians and all we represent.

CREEEEEEEPY

2008-07-14T10:42:00.000-07:00

Last night was a little warm in our bedroom so we had one of our bedroom windows open. Tigerlily loves to sit on windowsills, especially when the window is open. She knows when our bedroom window is open and paws at the blinds to try and get inside them. It makes a lot of noise, so we'll open them halfway to give her access and keep her quiet. We are on the first floor, level with the street. The complex is built into a slope so our bedroom windows are level with the ground in the back of the building. (Our living room is in the front.) We feel safe having the blinds up a little bit because there is only a mossy path running behind our bedroom and virtually no access. There is never anyone back there, and the complex behind us is pretty well blocked by trees.

Back to last night. Jonathan was sleeping and I was awake reading with my lamp on. Tigerlily started growling and hissing, then did the weird breathing thing cats do when they're trying to be intimidating. She does that whenever another cat is outside, so I didn't pay attention to her. A little bit later I turned off my lamp and laid down to sleep. Then I heard a crackling sound outside. Probably just the cat going away. But that sounds awfully loud to be a cat... Animals don't break twigs that loudly, do they?? I froze in fear and tried to look outside but it was so dark I couldn't see a thing. I shivered a little as I heard the footsteps move from the ground to the left of the window, across the mossy path and down to the right. They grew more and more distant until I couldn't hear anything anymore.

I am positive that there wasn't a cat or dog or any other animal outside our window. It was a person. With my lamp on, someone could see in but I couldn't see out. I have no idea how long they could have been there, looking in our window. That's probably what the cat was freaking out about too. Also, this isn't the first time we've had our window open and the blinds up at night. How many other times has this happened?? Who is the person hanging around outside our bedroom, peeking in at us?? I am totally freaked out. I was wearing a tank top and shorts last night, nothing slutty, but still, that is really creepy.

Whirlwind

2008-07-01T09:43:00.000-07:00

Whew... It's been a crazy busy week. About 5 or 6 weeks ago, my mother-in-law was diagnosed with a brain aneurysm. It hadn't ruptured, but it would require treatment to stop it from rupturing. After several consultations, she had a procedure done last Wednesday. They threaded a catheter through an artery in her leg up to her brain and inserted about ten platinum coils into the area where the aneurysm is. Blood clots will form in between the coils and in time the blood cell lining will grow over the ends of the coils to block the artery entirely. The amazing thing is that the brain can totally adapt to an artery being cut off. Isn't it crazy how God made our bodies to function after something like that??

After the coils were put in she had a really rough few days. She wasn't able to sit up on her bed until Saturday mid-morning and got out of bed to walk a few hours after that. Miraculously, she made huge progress between Saturday evening and Sunday morning, when Jonathan and his dad discovered that she had improved so much overnight that she could be released from the hospital and come back home. It's been such a relief - both for her and for us - to have her out of the hospital and recovering at our apartment. (They live in Dundee, OR.) So many prayers have been answered, and although her recovery has been tough, there have been no complications with the coils, which was the most dangerous part of the whole thing.

I had to leave everyone here with Mom and go down to Portland for a wedding I was in on Saturday. It was a huge challenge to leave; I wanted to be at the hospital with everyone and spend time with Mom. I left Seattle early Friday afternoon and returned Saturday evening. God definitely challenges us sometimes and we must push ourselves to fulfill our obligations. I certainly felt weak at times and felt like God was overwhelming me, but of course He will never do that. Call it another lesson learned.

God's Handywork

2008-06-04T12:41:00.000-07:00

One of my best friends gave birth to a beautiful daughter last week. It was a long, hard labor, but she was a trooper and made it through. Aubrey is one of the most beautiful babies I have ever seen. How someone can see new life, the intricacy of how we are woven, and then not believe in a Creator is beyond me.

My heart is overwhelmed with joy by the presence of this precious baby girl in the world!

3 Years

2008-05-28T11:35:00.000-07:00

Every day, I love him more
than the day before.

Amigas

2008-05-27T11:22:00.000-07:00

I love my friends.

I feel so blessed! I don't know what I'd do without them.

24

2008-05-14T14:46:00.000-07:00

.....No, not the show, my age.

I turn 24 years old today. I never used to understand why people freak out about getting older. Then yesterday, out of the blue, I was seized with a sudden and inexplicable near panic. Oh my word, I'm 24. Next year I'll be 25. In six years I'll be 30. I realize those of you who are older than me might think I'm silly for worrying at my age, and/or annoyed that I'm reminding you of your age. Hear me out.

It's not getting older that scares me, but forgetting my childhood. I wish I remembered more about living in Florida the first 5 years of my life, about the move from there to Oregon, about what first grade was like, about my freshman year of high school, about friends I know I've already forgotten.

It's not getting older that scares me, but the idea of leaving behind relationships from younger years. I've always been part of a fairly wide network of friends. Since we moved to Seattle, we have some very close friends, but also very few. I enjoy spending time with our friends up here, but miss everyone in Oregon. I miss the relationship we had with our church, being close to family, and the familiarity of faces and streets.

It's not getting older that scares me, but getting older too fast. I swear time speeds up faster each year that goes by. High school went quick, college went quicker and time since graduating from Fox is nearly impossible to keep up with. No day will ever be exactly the same as this day, and I want to enjoy it while it's here without missing anything.

I am happy that it's my birthday and looking forward to the 24th year of my life. There always seems to be some bad attached to the good. The challenge is to make the good worth it, and I am sure it will be.

Mama Mia

2008-05-07T13:11:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Mother's Day, and the first that I haven't spent with my mother or mother-in-law. I agree that every day should be a day to appreciate your respective mother, but I don't see anything wrong with making one day dedicated to her.

We sat behind a couple at church that had the most beautiful baby girl I have ever seen. She had bright blue eyes, long lashes, and a smile that wouldn't quit. I was mesmerized with the way she interacted with her mother: throwing herself into tight squeezes around her mom's neck, wide open mouth kisses, staring into her mom's eyes with the most trusting, loving look a baby can give. I learned that she is 9 months old and her name is Kendall. The father went and got their other daughter who unabashedly ran to her mother, hugged her and loudly pronounced, "Happy Mother's Day, I love you!"

At one point the pastor asked all the moms to stand and prayed for them. Then he prayed for all the women who have had miscarriages, lost a child, are unable to conceive, or desire to have children but can't right now because of finances, timing, etc. Throughout the whole service I watched mother and baby and felt a familiar tug in my heart. The prayer that followed washed over me with peace and assurance that one day I'll have my own sweet baby.

I think I like the name Kendall.

Future Plans

2008-04-22T10:54:00.000-07:00

Last April I posed a blog on myspace (read it here)about where Jonathan and I are in life and our plans for the future. Things have progressed since then and changes are coming.

Jonathan applied to grad school and was not accepted. Of course he is a little bummed that he didn't get in, but the #1 reason he applied was to find some direction for our future. We had two doors: the first, grad school; the second, work. We asked God to close one door and help us with decisions and he answered us.

Now that one decision has been made, there are several more to follow:
1. How long should Jonathan stay with Bayer before they close the lab?
2. Where will he work next?
3. When will we be ready to buy a house?
4. Where do we want to live?
5. When do we want to start having kids?

I am SO excited to start making these big decisions. Thankfully, I'm in more of a rush to settle into a house than to start a family. Of course, I can't wait to be a mother, but God answered another prayer of mine by relieving the strength of my desires and making my heart content with waiting until we are both ready.

On death and dying

2008-04-21T15:18:00.000-07:00

Some are bombarded with advertisements or peer pressure. Lately, I feel bombarded with death.

I recently recounted the people I knew that died within the past few years. Grandpa Miller; Karissa; JB; Tanya; Grandpa House; Ben; and last Sunday, Grandma Sims. My friends' friend died mysteriously in her sleep last month. I didn't know her, but I ached for her family as if I did.

All of it burdens me so heavily that I feel a physical weight in my chest and on my shoulders. I don't feel burdened only for myself but also for those around me, the families and close ones of the lost.

I am so sad for the husband of the young woman I didn't know. My heart breaks for Ben's wife. Some college friends had a miscarriage last fall and I couldn't help but weep for them. I ache at the loss of my grandma, for my grandpa at the loss of his wife, for my mom at the loss of her mom.

I can think about the past with Grandma, even remember sitting next to her as she died, and be ok. What hurts is thinking of the future without her. We all had dinner together the day after she died and raised our glasses to toast her. We told my 2.5 year old nephew to raise his milk for Bauby and he looked around trying to find her. The table was silent as we each felt the void.

After the funeral, the normal routine has to resume. I struggle with fitting back into my responsibilities, knowing that the world keeps turning and nothing has changed for anyone else, but so much has changed for me. My family will always be different now and it hurts. The weight of the world is heavy.

Jesus understands. When Lazarus died, He wept.

"Earth hath no sorrow that heaven cannnot heal."
-Thomas Moore

The first one

2008-04-21T14:50:00.000-07:00

I didn't want my very first blog to be a sad one.

Kitties!