Suffering Gracefully

"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made great in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 

~2 Corinthians 12:9

The only person who suffered more gracefully than Paul is Christ Himself.  Paul continues to serve as an inspiration for those of us who read his writings.  He speaks often of suffering, of trials and temptations and times of weakness.  I've been struggling lately.  For a while now, actually.  I've debated whether or not to speak openly about this.  It's easier to get through it when I don't have to think about it (though it's often all I can think about).  However, I'd like to suffer gracefully, and I think part of that is being open about my difficulties.  So here goes.

We've been trying to get pregnant for a year and a half.  At this point, with Caleb's second birthday approaching, we had hoped to have at least a 6 month old.  Instead, he's about to turn 2 and we're not even expecting.  Not to mention that March is our last chance for a 2012 baby, then we're heading into 2013.  Another year would pass without a pregnancy.

I get that it's not about numbers and dates.  January 2013 is only one month after December 2012.  But there's something about rolling into another year that aches.  We prepared (well, I did, anyway) for Caleb's conception to be difficult.  We were shocked and thrilled when it happened nearly right away.  Given my medical history, I thought it likely that this second one could take longer.  I had no idea it would take THIS long.  Granted, Caleb was breastfed for a year of the time that we've been trying, but countless women get pregnant while nursing and he wasn't feeding around the clock, so I don't consider that to be a deciding factor.

I have not been as gung ho as many other actively trying women.  I've gone back and forth on charting many times but never went for it, the reason being that I drove myself halfway to crazy while charting last time and it was all in vain anyway.  Three months worth of detailed charts showed that I was not even ovulating, and yet I was already pregnant (for 5 of those weeks).  Do I want to be tricked into thinking that I'm not ovulating again?  Or, keeping last time in mind, what's the point of charting if I'm not going to believe it anyway?

So what has gotten me through the past 18 months?  This verse: "For we know that God works all things together for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His good purpose" (Rom. 8:28).  God has ordained my life, my husband's life, and the life of our child(ren).  He sees the full picture while I see merely a speck.  He knows more than I do.  Perhaps there's a car accident in my future that would cause me to miscarry.  Perhaps there's a medical condition in which treatment would jeopardize the baby's life.  Maybe having a baby at this time would be too stressful for Caleb, but given a little more time he would handle it well.  It could be that God is simply trying to teach me.  How can I know any of this?  I can't.  But God does.  Whatever His reasons, He is acting for our good.  He loves us and wants to do what's best for us, even if what's best for us and what we want are not the same.

That's not to say it doesn't hurt.  It does.  All the time.  But even when my heart aches for the baby we haven't been able to conceive, I still trust His promises.  God is faithful (Lam. 3:22-23; 1 Cor. 1:9).  God is love (1 John 4:7-9).  God gives peace (Num. 6:24-26; John 16:33; Phil. 4:7).  God gives comfort (2 Cor. 1:3-4).  Praise Jesus that in my times of despair, I can come before Him and cry out to Him and receive His blessings.

I don't say any of these things because I'm so very spiritual or wise or mature.  I don't write them so you'll think highly of me.  Truth be told, I write them more to remind myself of His promises than to tell others about them.  This post is not about my strength, it's about my weakness.  In my weakness Christ has the opportunity to give strength and to Him be all the praise and glory for it.

The yearning for a baby is always there, even if only in the back of my mind.  I think about it every day.  Sometimes the sadness overcomes me and it becomes a struggle to remember any of these promises.  Thankfully God remembers His promises even when we forget them.  Suffering gracefully isn't just about when the burden is light, it's about enduring when the burden is at its heaviest.  May God give me the ability to wait patiently on His timing, and conform my will to His, whatever it may be.

Learning Curve

It's a little overwhelming, really, how much our young children are learning and processing constantly throughout the day; letters, numbers, words, phrases, songs, thoughts, concepts, etc.  Case in point, taken from our car ride home today:

Me: "Want to sing a song with me?"
Caleb: "A song?"
Me: "How about 'Twinkle Twinkle'?"
Caleb: "Tinkle tinkle, staaaaarrrrr......[silence]"
Me: "What comes next?"
Caleb: "[thinks for a moment] ....Four!!!!"

Toddlerspeak

The evolution of a child's language is endlessly entertaining. Caleb has always been adept at enunciating and as of late, his pronunciation of words has improved drastically. I have to admit, while it's a good sign that his language is progressing, I miss the cute funny way he used to say some things, so I'm using this outlet as a means to immortalize his own words:

"Mom-ick": Monkey
"Bop-ick": Bucket
"Peekeen": Penguin
"Yah-yick": Lucky
"Bada"/"ba-dee-ah"/"ba-da-nana": Banana
"Aah-gah-deer": Alligator
"Yaya": Water
"Yayawn": Lion
"Gaff": Giraffe
"Mawk": Milk
"Mice": Rice
"Seat-baw": Football
"Moomie": Movie
"Keens": Crayons
"Toke": Coat
"Kissee": Music
"Pee-dee-ah": Piano
"Munch": Lunch
"Mench": Wrench
"Pilers": Pliers
"York": Fork
"Yog": Frog
"Ba-dee-dock": Firetruck
"Beekee": Blanket
"Mah-mow-mer": Lawnmower
"Gah-lala": Granola
"Ada"/"Hout": Help
"Tah": Tongs
"Poo-pays": Toothpaste
"Roar-wish": Goldfish


Phrases...
"I yike it ____": I like it [object]
"Peepee poppy": Pee pee in the potty
"More-more": More (he's always said it twice)
"Yown-in-yown": Round and round
"Ah-dew": I love you

And in earlier months...
"Dada": Bunny
"Dada": Gramma
"Dada": Banana
"Dada": Mama
"Dada": Pretty much anything

Thanks for the Reminder, Kid

Yesterday Caleb was taking my slippers off my feet and saying, "Oh no!" then putting them back on. It had been a couple days since I shaved my legs, so they were a little bit prickly. He moved from playing with my feet to playing with my bare shin and brushed his hand against my leg. Immediately he stopped, examined his hand, then stared at me with an accusatory look on his face. I stifled a giggle and said, "What's wrong?" He looked back at my leg and pinched at it with his thumb and forefinger, presumably trying to pick off whatever it was he felt.

I never let Jonathan touch my leg if it isn't smooth (my complex, not his). I never imagined my 21 MONTH OLD SON would be offended by it. Thank you, child, for reminding me that winter is no excuse for stubble.

I shaved my legs this morning.

Loving Him Into Obedience

My 21 month old toddler does absolutely EVERYTHING I ask him to.

....Are you laughing as hard as I am right now?

For the most part, Caleb is a very well behaved, respectful child. But thanks to some nitwit at the beginning of time who just HAD to eat a piece of fruit from the ONE tree he wasn't supposed to, he was born with a sense of independence that sometimes leads him to disobedience. An occurance that comes more and more frequently as he gets older.

Some days I have the patience to redirect him, discipline him when necessary, and keep my cool as he pushes my buttons over and over. Other days it's all I can do to keep from ripping my hair out and screaming, "For the love of all that is holy, will you JUST LISTEN?!?" It's especially maddening when he repeats "Don't touch!" while simultaneously touching the very thing he's not supposed to.

It dawned on me the other day that our current method of discipling and training him is not working. We most often use the threat - and follow up - of discipline as a means to get him to obey. (Disciplining him at this point consists of 3 warnings and then 1 minute in time out if he continues to disobey.) But how often do children willingly respond in obedience under threat of punishment? They will drag their feet and resist as much as they can, and then if/when they finally do as they're told, it's clearly done with resentment. Sometimes they even laugh in the face of discipline. My sister used to smile and act like it was no big deal when she was spanked. My word, that must have driven my parents absolutely mad! (They gave up for good when her clenched back end split that wooden spoon right in half. Who knew a pre-adolescent could have such glutes of steel???)

I've forgotten that Caleb is my baby. His independence, his rapidly growing vocabulary and physique, his clever mind make me forget that he is still so very young and innocent, no matter how naughty he might behave. When he was an infant I loved him into eating, loved him into sleeping, loved him into calming down for a diaper change. Now that he's older and is capable of making some of his own decisions, shouldn't I be loving him into obedience? I don't want him to obey me because my voice is stern or my body language shows frustration or he doesn't want to have to take a time out. I want him to obey his parents because he loves us and we love him, and that love drives him to make the right decision.

How often is our role as parents compared to God's role as the Father? The idea isn't to obey Him because if we don't He'll punish us. The goal is to have such a close relationship with Him that we choose to obey because His love for us inspires us to do so. So then, if I pour out my love over Caleb when I'm parenting and teaching him, wouldn't he respond to me the same way I respond to my heavenly Father?

I've been convicted of too little patience and too much frustration when it comes to parenting Caleb. In the past 2 days I've chosen to love him into obeying, and the results are outstanding. Quicker/better responses, fewer tears, and more joy throughout the day. That's not to say we don't still have tantrums, tears and consequences. I don't think it's possible to have a day that doesn't include a few fits and time outs, without sacrificing all of the electronic equipment in the house (his typical no-no of choice). But our time together is sweeter. And, of course, my hair and vocal chords remain intact.

Ephesians 6:4 - "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord."

Technobaby

Lately I've been very aware of how frequently I have the TV on in the background, so I'm making a conscious effort to do so less often. I've also given in too much to the distractions of my ipod and the computer. I didn't expose Caleb to much music in his younger months and I've been turning the TV off in favor of listening to music instead. We've discovered in the past month or two that he really, really loves music and constantly asks for "more more kissee" (his way of saying music).

Yesterday, as Caleb and I sat together on the sofa while he ate his snack, it became quite evident to me that the TV has spent far too much time turned on, and Caleb has noticed it. He munched on his apple slices, staring thoughtfully at the dark inanimate screen, and began the following conversation:

"More more moomie?" (movie)
"No, no movie."
"More more seatball?" (football)
"No, no football."
.....
"More more Bah?"
"No, no Bella."
"More more birds?"
"No, no birds."

[Note: Bella and birds are both apps on my ipod that he particularly enjoys. Bella is an interactive children's video and birds is Angry Birds.]

Shortly after, he predictably asked for "kissee" so I obliged. Our xbox connects wirelessly to our computer so we turn that on to access our music library and play it through the stereo downstairs. Caleb's connection to electronic visuals is so strong that he thinks music comes through the picture he sees on the TV, or the itunes window on the computer monitor. When we turn the TV off (sound goes through the receiver instead) or minimize the itunes window, he asks for music again because he thinks it goes away along with the picture. We're working on teaching him that music is the sound he hears, and it's still there even when the picture goes away.

I've decided to challenge myself to limit the use of electronics throughout the day. It's easy to use Caleb as an excuse to have the TV on or play games on my ipod, because he likes those things. But what he likes and what is best for him are not always one and the same.

Sewing Straight Lines

A few weeks ago I was making burp cloths for a friend. I often have trouble sewing perfectly straight lines. Even with that presser foot firmly on the fabric to keep it going straight, it somehow manages to stray here and there. In the midst of my frustration, I had a spiritual epiphany.

We are a human sewing project.

We struggle against the mechanism that's in place to guide us (the Holy Spirit). Sometimes we calmly and quietly stay in line as we're stitched together and made complete. Other times we fight the plan of what we're designed to be. Even with pins in place to prepare us, we try to go our own way.

There are two ways to look at this. The first is that we are flawed, imperfect, perhaps even outright ugly. We succumb to the pull of forces that would have us rebel against our purpose. Even if cosmetically we seem right, our internal strength and integrity might be questionable.

The way I prefer to see it is that these flaws are proof that we are handcrafted. We might make it difficult for our Creator to shape us - as demonstrated by our broken threads and jagged lines - but in the end, we are lovingly put together by a dedicated, unyielding Maker who sees past these flaws; He sees the final product. He loves us, He's proud of us, and He puts us to use despite our imperfections. Or, perhaps, because of them.

I don't want to be a difficult fabric to work with. I want to do exactly what my Creator asks of me. This won't always be the case because, like the fabric we use ourselves, sometimes we simply have a mind of our own. But that doesn't mean I can't strive to be cooperative and grateful to be worked on by the hands of such a skilled Craftsman.