Kole & Emma
William
Jonah and Haley
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
Little Victories
The past 8 months in a nutshell: Lost my job. Applied for 100+ jobs. Didn't get 100+ jobs. Began house search. Met new niece and nephew. Met with doctor to begin preparing for getting pregnant (not trying now, just preparing so we're ready when we decide to start). Found out about PCOS. Went off meds. Put an offer on a house. Lost said house. Turned 25. Began planning 4th wedding anniversary.
Looking at that list, I suppose it would be easy to slump into a vegetative state, wallowing in the misfortunes and ignoring the celebrations. I admit there have been times when I've been tempted to, and a few where I've succumbed. But the fact that my outlook has remained relatively bright is nothing but a testament to God's strong hand holding up Jonathan and I through so many changes and roadblocks.
There's a driving force that allows me to handle these challenges. I'll give you a clue: his name starts with "J" and ends with "esus". Here's a list of "little victories" that He's helped me win:
1. Employment. Our only income for 8 months has been from Jonathan's job, and my unemployment. However, our savings continues to grow. It's not depleting, it's not even just stagnant. It's slow, but it's growing. God is providing.
2. Budget. I'm a raging shopaholic. When Jonathan and I decided that it was time to get serious about buying a house, we put ourselves on a spending freeze, save for the necessities.
I thought it would be difficult to not have a clothing budget, or even a monthly petty cash budget for Starbucks or makeup or pedicures. Lo and behold, I've actually enjoyed the shopping handicap. God is teaching me that shopping isn't as fulfilling as I thought it would be. I'm being filled by joining BSF, volunteering at a hospital, and saving my Christmas gift cards for something that I really, really love.
3. Houses. A few weeks ago we had to walk away from a house we fell in love with. We got tantalizingly close to mutual acceptance, but it got to the point where he couldn't go any lower, and we couldn't go any higher, so we had to walk away.
The night we realized it wasn't going to happen, I moped and pouted and allowed myself to wallow in anger. The next day I waited for the depression to overwhelm me, but instead I felt peace and - to my great confusion - relief! Although our final offer on the house was very possible for us, it would have made the next year or two quite uncomfortable. God understood that I still want to be able to shop and go out to eat and take a vacation once in a while, and these things would have been nearly impossible if we'd bought the house. There were no "if only's", no "why me's," no "it's not fair's". Just peace. I know my mental and emotional limits, and I'm telling you, that peace didn't come from my own mind!!
4. Bible study. Jonathan joined BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) last year. He'd been patiently and persistently urging me to join the women's group, and I irritably and self-righteously (and as graciously as I could muster) declined. I knew my walk was stagnant, that I hadn't willingly opened my Bible in who knows how long. I didn't have doubts, but I also didn't have motivation.
When January's intro night rolled around, I felt a need to make an effort to honor God, and a longing for fellowship. Now, 5 months later, the last night has concluded and I'm bummed about it. I'm going to miss being held accountable to meet with God throughout the week. I'm going to miss the fellowship. Not for too long, though. We resume with the study of John in September. :)
5. PCOS. This is the big one for me. My greatest fear in life is inability to conceive. We've been discussing starting a family, and while we aren't trying right now, I thought I should get my body prepared so that when the time comes, we'll be ready and have our ducks in a row. I visited my doctor in March and told her about some health issues I've had, including a couple hospital visits. She ordered an ultrasound and blood draw, and the resulting diagnosis is PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). It's a condition that causes abnormal hormone levels leading to - among other symptoms - multiple ovarian cysts, and quite possibly infertility by way of anovulation.
Enter panic, racing heart and sweating.
It's possible that I ovulate just fine on my own. My doctor (who is fabulous, by the way!) has me charting my cycles, and the data will show whether I'm ovulating or not. If I don't ovulate, there are some treatments, but Jonathan and I haven't discussed them yet, and I know already we aren't sure where we stand on infertility treatments for ourselves.
It's not just parenting a baby that I crave, it's carrying one. I understand all the pains and problems that come with pregnancy, and I swear I'm not masochistic, but I can't wait for all of that. I can't wait for the experience. The idea that I may never get to do that is terrifying. God is forcing me to rely on Him. To be honest, I'm not sure I would trust Him this much if I didn't have to, if I could take control of things myself. It's scary, but at the same time, it's a weight off my shoulders that I've got Someone so much greater to do it for me. My new mantra is Matthew 11:28 - "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
I had a revelation the other night reading the incredible, heart-wrenching story of Todd Smith of Selah, his wife Angie, and their child Audrey Caroline. Todd and Angie found out when she was 20 weeks pregnant that their daughter Audrey would almost certainly die either in the womb, or immediately upon birth. (Angie's faith is impossibly strong, and I encourage everyone to read her story.) With tears streaming down my face, I read about their journey and realized that I would rather conceive and miscarry than never have the chance at all. To all the mothers who have miscarried, I understand - as best I can - that the grief never goes away, that it's a life-changing loss, and that you would probably never wish such an experience on anyone. That said, given that I would willingly put myself through that may help you understand just how strong my desire to carry a child really is.
I won't know for some time if I'll be able to someday conceive. I think about it every day and constantly remind myself that it's fully in God's hands, not mine. (Then I have to remind myself to be okay with that.) Of all the trials that have come my way in these eight months, I anticipate that PCOS will yield the greatest results, and for the better, regardless of the outcome. Either I will be rejoicing that God gives us a child, or I'll be rejoicing that my worst fear realized has found me nestled into His arms for comfort.
All in all, thank God for trials, because without them I would be proud, arrogant and dependent only upon myself. Thank God for the little victories that He allows me, knowing that all suffering and no relief would leave me lifeless and despairing. Time will tell what the final outcomes are, and I look forward to sharing how He's blessed me through victories or losses.
Looking at that list, I suppose it would be easy to slump into a vegetative state, wallowing in the misfortunes and ignoring the celebrations. I admit there have been times when I've been tempted to, and a few where I've succumbed. But the fact that my outlook has remained relatively bright is nothing but a testament to God's strong hand holding up Jonathan and I through so many changes and roadblocks.
There's a driving force that allows me to handle these challenges. I'll give you a clue: his name starts with "J" and ends with "esus". Here's a list of "little victories" that He's helped me win:
1. Employment. Our only income for 8 months has been from Jonathan's job, and my unemployment. However, our savings continues to grow. It's not depleting, it's not even just stagnant. It's slow, but it's growing. God is providing.
2. Budget. I'm a raging shopaholic. When Jonathan and I decided that it was time to get serious about buying a house, we put ourselves on a spending freeze, save for the necessities.
I thought it would be difficult to not have a clothing budget, or even a monthly petty cash budget for Starbucks or makeup or pedicures. Lo and behold, I've actually enjoyed the shopping handicap. God is teaching me that shopping isn't as fulfilling as I thought it would be. I'm being filled by joining BSF, volunteering at a hospital, and saving my Christmas gift cards for something that I really, really love.
3. Houses. A few weeks ago we had to walk away from a house we fell in love with. We got tantalizingly close to mutual acceptance, but it got to the point where he couldn't go any lower, and we couldn't go any higher, so we had to walk away.
The night we realized it wasn't going to happen, I moped and pouted and allowed myself to wallow in anger. The next day I waited for the depression to overwhelm me, but instead I felt peace and - to my great confusion - relief! Although our final offer on the house was very possible for us, it would have made the next year or two quite uncomfortable. God understood that I still want to be able to shop and go out to eat and take a vacation once in a while, and these things would have been nearly impossible if we'd bought the house. There were no "if only's", no "why me's," no "it's not fair's". Just peace. I know my mental and emotional limits, and I'm telling you, that peace didn't come from my own mind!!
4. Bible study. Jonathan joined BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) last year. He'd been patiently and persistently urging me to join the women's group, and I irritably and self-righteously (and as graciously as I could muster) declined. I knew my walk was stagnant, that I hadn't willingly opened my Bible in who knows how long. I didn't have doubts, but I also didn't have motivation.
When January's intro night rolled around, I felt a need to make an effort to honor God, and a longing for fellowship. Now, 5 months later, the last night has concluded and I'm bummed about it. I'm going to miss being held accountable to meet with God throughout the week. I'm going to miss the fellowship. Not for too long, though. We resume with the study of John in September. :)
5. PCOS. This is the big one for me. My greatest fear in life is inability to conceive. We've been discussing starting a family, and while we aren't trying right now, I thought I should get my body prepared so that when the time comes, we'll be ready and have our ducks in a row. I visited my doctor in March and told her about some health issues I've had, including a couple hospital visits. She ordered an ultrasound and blood draw, and the resulting diagnosis is PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). It's a condition that causes abnormal hormone levels leading to - among other symptoms - multiple ovarian cysts, and quite possibly infertility by way of anovulation.
Enter panic, racing heart and sweating.
It's possible that I ovulate just fine on my own. My doctor (who is fabulous, by the way!) has me charting my cycles, and the data will show whether I'm ovulating or not. If I don't ovulate, there are some treatments, but Jonathan and I haven't discussed them yet, and I know already we aren't sure where we stand on infertility treatments for ourselves.
It's not just parenting a baby that I crave, it's carrying one. I understand all the pains and problems that come with pregnancy, and I swear I'm not masochistic, but I can't wait for all of that. I can't wait for the experience. The idea that I may never get to do that is terrifying. God is forcing me to rely on Him. To be honest, I'm not sure I would trust Him this much if I didn't have to, if I could take control of things myself. It's scary, but at the same time, it's a weight off my shoulders that I've got Someone so much greater to do it for me. My new mantra is Matthew 11:28 - "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
I had a revelation the other night reading the incredible, heart-wrenching story of Todd Smith of Selah, his wife Angie, and their child Audrey Caroline. Todd and Angie found out when she was 20 weeks pregnant that their daughter Audrey would almost certainly die either in the womb, or immediately upon birth. (Angie's faith is impossibly strong, and I encourage everyone to read her story.) With tears streaming down my face, I read about their journey and realized that I would rather conceive and miscarry than never have the chance at all. To all the mothers who have miscarried, I understand - as best I can - that the grief never goes away, that it's a life-changing loss, and that you would probably never wish such an experience on anyone. That said, given that I would willingly put myself through that may help you understand just how strong my desire to carry a child really is.
I won't know for some time if I'll be able to someday conceive. I think about it every day and constantly remind myself that it's fully in God's hands, not mine. (Then I have to remind myself to be okay with that.) Of all the trials that have come my way in these eight months, I anticipate that PCOS will yield the greatest results, and for the better, regardless of the outcome. Either I will be rejoicing that God gives us a child, or I'll be rejoicing that my worst fear realized has found me nestled into His arms for comfort.
All in all, thank God for trials, because without them I would be proud, arrogant and dependent only upon myself. Thank God for the little victories that He allows me, knowing that all suffering and no relief would leave me lifeless and despairing. Time will tell what the final outcomes are, and I look forward to sharing how He's blessed me through victories or losses.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Welcome to the World
Kole and Emma, Jonathan's twin nephew and niece, were born on February 10th. After a long week, the whole family was released from the hospital and home for the first time. Welcome to the world, little cuties!
Emma
Kole
Emma
Kole
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Pet Peeves
I know... it's been a while. You know what that means? It means my life is boring right now! Still no job, not really any prospects. I did start attending BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) on Monday nights. Jonathan attended last year, and this year he's a children's leader for 1st and 2nd graders. Cool, huh? It's been great to watch him growing and maturing and stretching through his leadership. I look forward to seeing how my own life changes through our study. I also applied to volunteer at a nearby hospital. I still have my interview and orientation to attend, and once I've completed those I begin my service. Maybe I'll get to work in maternity and post-natal. ;)
I have a major pet peeve, and I'm wondering if it drives you as crazy as it does me. If you are my checker at a store, PLEASE do not comment on my purchases. If you're interested in my items, or find I'm getting a great deal, or think I'm paying too much, resist the urge to point it out to me. You are more than welcome to ask me about my day, but do not stand there and read the greeting card I picked out. Do comment on the weather, but do not stop scanning my items to pick something up that you already scanned so that you can read aloud the details about what kind of deodorant it is to your curious and nosy coworker. When you're on your break, go find it yourself. If you want to complain to my sister that your break is still a long time away, whatever, but don't ask her if the pregnancy test she's buying is a good thing or a bad thing. Really, people, use your sensor buttons! Here's a good rule of thumb: When in doubt about whether your comment is appropriate or not, just keep it to yourself.
What pet peeves do you have?
I have a major pet peeve, and I'm wondering if it drives you as crazy as it does me. If you are my checker at a store, PLEASE do not comment on my purchases. If you're interested in my items, or find I'm getting a great deal, or think I'm paying too much, resist the urge to point it out to me. You are more than welcome to ask me about my day, but do not stand there and read the greeting card I picked out. Do comment on the weather, but do not stop scanning my items to pick something up that you already scanned so that you can read aloud the details about what kind of deodorant it is to your curious and nosy coworker. When you're on your break, go find it yourself. If you want to complain to my sister that your break is still a long time away, whatever, but don't ask her if the pregnancy test she's buying is a good thing or a bad thing. Really, people, use your sensor buttons! Here's a good rule of thumb: When in doubt about whether your comment is appropriate or not, just keep it to yourself.
What pet peeves do you have?
Monday, December 15, 2008
Paradigm
I LOVE the snow. I love how quiet it gets as it descends and layers on the ground. I love how the world sparkles as it coats the trees, cars and rooftops. I love how the dark night sky seems to glow as the snow reflects back to it. I love how the child in me still gets as excited as I used to be when I pressed my face to the classroom window as the first snow of the season fell. For me, it's okay if it's cold and icy outside because I have a warm home to stay in while I watch the snowfall.
For others, it's not okay.
My delight in our snowy weather is dampened by the idea of those who have no home to retreat to. Those who must sit outside, huddled on the freezing sidewalk with little to keep warm. Those who have no cider or soup to warm up with, no cozy bed to snuggle in. The stigma of the homeless being responsible for their own situations may or may not be true. Regardless, does that mean they deserve to suffer outside in the unforgiving cold?
I pray that I can be thankful for my circumstances without forgetting those who are in worse situations. I pray for those who dread this season and struggle to stay alive in the freezing temperatures. I pray that they can find warm shelters and sustenance. I pray that I can be someone who helps them and shows them the love of God by providing for them when they cannot provide for themselves.
For others, it's not okay.
My delight in our snowy weather is dampened by the idea of those who have no home to retreat to. Those who must sit outside, huddled on the freezing sidewalk with little to keep warm. Those who have no cider or soup to warm up with, no cozy bed to snuggle in. The stigma of the homeless being responsible for their own situations may or may not be true. Regardless, does that mean they deserve to suffer outside in the unforgiving cold?
I pray that I can be thankful for my circumstances without forgetting those who are in worse situations. I pray for those who dread this season and struggle to stay alive in the freezing temperatures. I pray that they can find warm shelters and sustenance. I pray that I can be someone who helps them and shows them the love of God by providing for them when they cannot provide for themselves.
Stopping By Woods
Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening
by Robert Frost
Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village, though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
by Robert Frost
Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village, though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
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