"For we know that all things work together for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." - Romans 8:28
Seven months ago I included this verse in a post about my attempt at suffering gracefully. Jonathan and I had been praying for another child to join our family for a year and a half at that point, and I used the verse to remind myself of God's greater view of our life and that regardless of how difficult it was to wait, God was working for our good.
In April, a month after writing that post, we met with my ob-gyn for a consultation. We wanted to know, if we chose to go this route, what kind of testing and steps could be taken to help us get pregnant. She went over our options; some relatively non-invasive, some a little more so. We went home and discussed our thoughts about what she said. While we knew which measures we were both 100% unwilling to take, there were a couple where we weren't quite on the same page. Time slid by while we continued to think over what we might want to do. Nearly a month passed after that appointment and we hadn't talked about our options in a while. During that month, though we didn't talk about it, we took a break from intentionally trying to conceive. It was a relief to let go of some of the anxiety and stress I'd been feeling for so many months, to not be obsessing over every little twinge or feeling and wondering if it was caused by pregnancy. One Sunday afternoon, on May 20th, I thought about the two pregnancy tests I had left in the bathroom drawer. Part of me thought that maybe I should just take one and part of me thought I should forget about it. It felt like a defense mechanism, that I was trying to shield myself from the disappointment of yet another negative test. My inner dialogue went something like this:
'I might as well just do it.'
'What's the point? You know it will be negative.'
'But what if it isn't? There's always a chance it will be positive.'
'You weren't even really trying this month, there's no way.'
'It's so easy, you'll have one left still, just do it.'
'Okaaaay, but you know you're just setting yourself up for disappointment.'
[took test]
'Just don't even look at it. You know what you're going to see.'
'There could be a second line there.'
'But there isn't. You're setting yourself up for a bad afternoon.'
'Have some hope. It's possible that it will be positive.'
'Yet another test wasted, you're just throwing away your money.'
'You took the test, it's already done, just look at it.'
.......And there it was. I watched the dampness creep across the test strip, waiting for the test line to stay blank - or even worse, like a slap in the face, appear even whiter than the paper as it often did before - while the control line turned pink. But then something unexpected happened. The moment the test line became wet, a pink line appeared. Instantly. Then the control line. I'm not sure what I looked like in that moment, but I remember feeling my jaw drop and my eyes widen. I stared at the test, trying to believe what I was seeing. Two lines. TWO lines. Really?? Am I seeing this right?! I hurriedly washed my hands, grabbed the test and thundered down the stairs to where Jonathan and Caleb were.
In the past I'd tried to imagine the fun way that I'd tell Jonathan if I was pregnant. All of that went out the window when I blurted out, "I'mpregnantI'mpregnantI'mpregnantI'mpregnantI'mpregnant" on my way down the stairs. I skidded to a stop in front of him and shoved the stick in his face. And I just could not stop laughing. He looked at it, awestruck, and I asked him to confirm that there were in fact two clear pink lines on there and I wasn't just seeing things. He stood up and hugged me and we prayed. And I still couldn't stop laughing. Caleb had no idea what was going on but he knew we were excited, so he got excited too, squealing and jumping on the couch. I couldn't cry, I couldn't talk, all I could do was laugh.
Once again, just like the last time, we planned for this little one... but he still managed to surprise us.
Introducing our second baby boy, coming January 2013:
In April, a month after writing that post, we met with my ob-gyn for a consultation. We wanted to know, if we chose to go this route, what kind of testing and steps could be taken to help us get pregnant. She went over our options; some relatively non-invasive, some a little more so. We went home and discussed our thoughts about what she said. While we knew which measures we were both 100% unwilling to take, there were a couple where we weren't quite on the same page. Time slid by while we continued to think over what we might want to do. Nearly a month passed after that appointment and we hadn't talked about our options in a while. During that month, though we didn't talk about it, we took a break from intentionally trying to conceive. It was a relief to let go of some of the anxiety and stress I'd been feeling for so many months, to not be obsessing over every little twinge or feeling and wondering if it was caused by pregnancy. One Sunday afternoon, on May 20th, I thought about the two pregnancy tests I had left in the bathroom drawer. Part of me thought that maybe I should just take one and part of me thought I should forget about it. It felt like a defense mechanism, that I was trying to shield myself from the disappointment of yet another negative test. My inner dialogue went something like this:
'I might as well just do it.'
'What's the point? You know it will be negative.'
'But what if it isn't? There's always a chance it will be positive.'
'You weren't even really trying this month, there's no way.'
'It's so easy, you'll have one left still, just do it.'
'Okaaaay, but you know you're just setting yourself up for disappointment.'
[took test]
'Just don't even look at it. You know what you're going to see.'
'There could be a second line there.'
'But there isn't. You're setting yourself up for a bad afternoon.'
'Have some hope. It's possible that it will be positive.'
'Yet another test wasted, you're just throwing away your money.'
'You took the test, it's already done, just look at it.'
.......And there it was. I watched the dampness creep across the test strip, waiting for the test line to stay blank - or even worse, like a slap in the face, appear even whiter than the paper as it often did before - while the control line turned pink. But then something unexpected happened. The moment the test line became wet, a pink line appeared. Instantly. Then the control line. I'm not sure what I looked like in that moment, but I remember feeling my jaw drop and my eyes widen. I stared at the test, trying to believe what I was seeing. Two lines. TWO lines. Really?? Am I seeing this right?! I hurriedly washed my hands, grabbed the test and thundered down the stairs to where Jonathan and Caleb were.
In the past I'd tried to imagine the fun way that I'd tell Jonathan if I was pregnant. All of that went out the window when I blurted out, "I'mpregnantI'mpregnantI'mpregnantI'mpregnantI'mpregnant" on my way down the stairs. I skidded to a stop in front of him and shoved the stick in his face. And I just could not stop laughing. He looked at it, awestruck, and I asked him to confirm that there were in fact two clear pink lines on there and I wasn't just seeing things. He stood up and hugged me and we prayed. And I still couldn't stop laughing. Caleb had no idea what was going on but he knew we were excited, so he got excited too, squealing and jumping on the couch. I couldn't cry, I couldn't talk, all I could do was laugh.
Once again, just like the last time, we planned for this little one... but he still managed to surprise us.
Introducing our second baby boy, coming January 2013:
3 comments:
Just beautiful Jessi! So excited for you!
Heart full!!! yes yes yes God. Amazing! :)
I totally relate to that inner monologue of taking the test. It is so heartbreaking to try month after month after month. I can't believe how many people I hear about that get pregnant as soon as they stop "trying." Stress so affects our bodies! Thanks for sharing, and I'm soooo excited for you!
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